I clip the bags at self checkouts. If you lube bag bottomed out before your boyfriend it was probably my fault.

I'm like a toilet gremlin. I thrive in the feces of my enemies and stab them up the ass when they least expect it.

I used to think cannibalism was legal and extremely prevalent until someone told me eating dick doesn't count.

Do not set yourself up for failure; set others up for failure to gain the advantage in your divorce proceedings. We all know she never actually wanted custody—she just wanted your autographed Out of Exile CD. Stay strong.

If you never meet your heroes how are you supposed to dispose of them?

I imagine dating an e-girl is the same as dating a dying star. If the attention ever dries up you are left with a black hole of negativity.

Unsure what "robbing the cradle" means, but taking lead out of children’s toys just to put it into bullets feels like a lateral move.

I am a big advocate of Sink or Swim. Specifically in regards to voltage tolerance among eels, fish, and bears. First, I have discovered that not all eels are electric. Second, nobody likes power lines energizing their rivers.

If you want to be an absolute menace, escalating the situation isn't always the move. Sometimes the most effective approach is to de-escalate or downplay the whole ordeal—like at a funeral. #family

If you remove the fire alarm batteries at your work you can use them to poison a local well. I have poisoned 213 wells, set 12 buildings on fire, and electrocuted myself 4 times. #advice