Never let an ABDL claim to be potty trained. "Oh, I just pad up sometimes for fun." So you regularly go potty in your pants. Do you think your friends do that? "Well, I do it on purpose." That's supposed to make me trust you MORE with my furniture? Get those boxers off right now.

"Being grounded SUCKS, man." "Tell me about it. I almost look forward to the naptime spanking every day." "Uh..." "I mean, at least kicking and crying is something to DO, right? Why are you all laughing?" And that's how you found out that not everyone gets grounded the same way.

Me: ...and so we need our diapers checked every few hours. Alien: The other informants didn't even mention diapers. Me: Oh, humans always lie. It's why we need regular spankings. Soooo I'll be Chief Babysitter, right? Alien, narrowing eyes: Tell me more about these "spankings".

Tommy: Bad Mr. Cuddles! Bad! Tommy's Dad: Oh, Tommy's just going through a phase where he likes to spank his stuffies. Me, horrified: And they let him do it? Tommy's Dad: They're very tame, sweetie 🤭 Me: Sir, please be serious. It's not pretty when a teddy bear finally snaps.

"Hey, I SAID I'm a cheap date." "You said you always have to go home after one drink! I didn't think you meant ordering a lemonade and then peeing your pants!" "Then I guess you should've asked some follow-up questions. Wait, leggo of my ear! Think of all the money we're saving!"

The moment you spot your new playmate Ben, you whisper to Daddy that you need a change. You're all dry, he says. You ask, "Then how come I feel so funny?" Ben is urgently whispering to his mommy too. "Uh-oh," grins Daddy, "we're gonna have to keep an eye on you two."

ME: Uh-ohh, does someone need a change? ALEXANDER: Are you posing me for one of your tweets again? ME: Mayyybe. ALEXANDER: I'm an adult. I have dignity. I have a mortgage. ME: And you look cuuuute in these. ALEXANDER: (sigh) The things we do for our humans...

Yesterday I worked out for the first time in years. Today my diapers keep leaking instantly because my arms are too sore to pull the tapes tight. Eventually I will become strong enough to perform the Ultimate Tape Job, thus creating a diaper with theoretically infinite capacity.

me: Peeing? I don't even know what that means piss test tech: Sir are you sure he's not on drugs? daddy: I'm sorry, we're potty training and he's very self-conscious about it me: I can't pee. I've never peed. I'm not capable of it piss test tech: OK you're not getting this job

Me: Farewell, my most trusted friend. Daddy: Logan, it's just a wet Pull-Up. Me: You have served me well, lo, these many years. Daddy: You've been wearing it for 30 minutes. Me (tearing up): I shall see you at the pearly gates, my brother.

Take a normal dresser, add a few simple items, and voilà! Welcome to your brand-new baby station! You're right, THAT thing isn't for babies, is it? Come to think of it, there's no baby here either. Now where are we gonna get a big, crying, peepants baby from?

"He's going through bit of a nudist phase now," Daddy says, "but we just had a little chat about it." A cheery voice pipes up from the other room. "Uncle Tim! Come look how red my bumbum got!" Daddy's head is in his hands. "I swear to God, if he took off his diaper AGAIN..."

Me: My daddy can read minds. He magically knows whenever I've been naughty. (earlier that day) Daddy: Hey, champ. How's it going? Me: I definitely did NOT pour soup on your bed. Daddy: Um...that's good. Me (immediately sobbing): I'm sorry about the soup! Please don't spank me!