25 yrs of peer-reviewed research. 4 yrs applying it to real people. Relationship consultant. Professor. Author. The science, translated honestly. 13M+ reached
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Joined April 2019
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Unpopular opinion from a relationship scientist:
You're not bad at relationships. You've just been given bad information.
You've read the books. Done the therapy. Still ending up in the same place.
That's fixable. 40,000+ people are doing it here, every Thursday. Free. → psychologyofrelationships.su…
Don't introduce a new relationship partner to the version of you your last relationship left behind. Let them meet the real you.
In every situationship, there are two liars: One person lying to themselves, and one person lying to their partner.
My new favorite phrase about always falling for the same "type": If you see the same rock twice on a hike, you're not on a journey, you're lost.
Half of what people know about relationships is wrong. The problem is that they don’t know which half.
Marry the love of your life, then joyfully work the rest of your life at loving the person you married.
Preparation is smart people’s favorite form of procrastination. Stop reading, thinking, and planning about dating. (Yes, including this.) 🤪
Go on dates. You only get better at what you actually do.
Count how many of your dating complaints trace back to an impossible standard.
Replies fast? Desperate.
Replies slow? Doesn't care.
Emotionally available? Ick.
Reliable and says what they mean? Boring.
Nobody passes that test.
A terrible partner wastes a date night. A mismatched but nice partner wastes a couple of months. An amazing partner makes a lifetime.
What students don't fully realize is that AI is decoupling grades from knowledge.
That means grades will signal even less than they do today. Employers will have even more reason to focus on what you can actually do and what you truly know.
Your GPA may help you get your first job. If you've relied too heavily on AI, you may be in for a rude awakening.
One clear, 100% undeniable truth about attachment: every one of us should be working toward becoming more secure.
You’re not an “anxious,” “avoidant,” “disorganized,” or even a “secure” person.
These are patterns, not permanent identities.
Your dating pool isn't everyone who's attracted to you.
It's everyone who thinks they're allowed to approach you. Being attractive only helps if you're approachable. You can shrink your own pool without knowing you're doing it.
Every person who has the amazing relationship we all want, had bad dates and/or relationships first.
Don't let a bad experience discourage you from finding the great relationship you deserve.
Common Dating Problem: You say you want one thing (stated preference) but actually pick someone very different (revealed preference). You claim you want kind and stable. You keep choosing exciting and unavailable. Close that gap and half your dating problems solve themselves.
Dr. Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. retweeted
We are still in need of participants! Please spare 10mins for our super brief study 🙏🏻👁️
We’re looking for men & women, 18+ to take part in a short online psychology study exploring social perceptions of men. Please spare 10mins & share!:)
swanseachhs.eu.qualtrics.com…
I've spent 25 years studying how relationships change the people in them. One finding holds up everywhere: the best partners don't meet you at your finished self. They find you mid-transition and expand who you become. Stop waiting to be fully settled before you let someone in.
And to think that today, some people are unwilling to have an uncomfortable conversation with their partner.
Marital Duels were a thing.
In parts of the medieval Holy Roman Empire, husbands and wives could have a legal fight, called a marital duel, to solve their arguments.
Interestingly, the husband had to fight in a hole and with one arm tied. The wife could move around freely but had to carry weighted cloth.
Her weapon was usually a bag filled with rocks, while the man got three clubs. If he touched the hole’s edge during the fight, he lost one club.
Before the fight, couples were given a month or two to try and solve their problems. If they couldn’t agree, then the duel would happen.
If the husband lost, his head would be cut off.
If the wife lost, she would be buried alive. — h/t @fasc1nate
If someone else took over your dating life tomorrow, what's the first thing they'd change?
There it is. That's your next move.
After 25 years studying relationships, I'm convinced the "complete package" is the most expensive idea in dating.
Nobody you admire is good at everything. Your future partner won't be either. Waiting for the one who is, keeps you single.
psychologyofrelationships.su…
