Star-Lord

“What it’s really like being Star-Lord.”

“Me being an idiot is still a thing.”

“Domesticated @TheGodsIayer is a thing.”

“Ugh.”

“I guess someone did miss me.”

Desperado: Antonio Banderas is a mariachi out to get revenge by carrying guns in his guitar case. He and Salma Hayek have a spur kink. Banderas and two mariachi amigos shoot the shit out of everything. Machine gun and rocket guitar cases. Most badass musicians ever. 11/10 stars.

The Sound of Music: Julie Andrews teaches a family with way too many kids how to be happy and sing. The dad is some kind of badass submarine captain who tells the Nazis to shove it. They win a battle of the bands and then go on a fun family hike to Switzerland. 10/10 stars.

“I see you.”

The Magnificent Seven: Yul Brynnsr and Steve McQueen get a crew of gunslingers together to help a bunch of farmers fight some bad hombres. Almost everyone gets pumped full of lead and tons of good guys and bad guys die. The farmers are the real winners. Cowboys rock. 11/10 stars.

“I need a vacation.”

Jurassic Park: Dinosaurs do dinosaur things and eat a bunch of idiots who brought dinos back. The guy from Seinfeld is in it and so is Samuel L. Jackson. Also Jeff Goldblum. Needed more dino on dino violence. Also, why only one T. Rex? Give the people what they want! 9/10 stars.

Predator: Arnold Schwarzenegger and a bunch of super-jacked dudes say one-liners and kick ass in the jungle. Plot twist: They’re actually getting hunted by an alien who is kind of a bitch for wearing crazy camouflage. Everyone dies except Arnold and the chopper. 11/10 stars.

“Nope.”

“Time to do nothing.”

“I always have a Plan B. It just isn’t always finalized.”

“I’ve had a lot of free time on my hands the past few days.”

Titanic: Way too long and hard to remember when you have time to drink a lot during the movie. A rich girl and poor guy hooking up on a big ass ship that ran into an ice. People die, including the poor guy, showing that the rich always end up on top. Celine Dion. 5/10 stars.

Frozen: The Queen is an ice witch and realizes people are the worst so she builds an ice castle in the mountains. Her annoying sister tries to make her come back and ruins everything for the Queen. Something about love thawing ice. Soundtrack that sticks in your head. 9/10 stars.