Trauma-informed author & coach helping you heal childhood trauma and adult self-sabotage. Watch the free training to learn my proven process.
Joined January 2019
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Toxic family members rarely say what they mean or feel. They hurl accusations and use manipulative tactics such as blaming and shaming and silent treatment. Rather than seeking to connect or understand or simply speak their minds, they aim to control and “win”.
Have you had the experience of waiting for the other shoe to drop? That’s when everything is going well but you’re bracing yourself for a disappointment ahead.
This is a trauma response from childhood in which it was dangerous to relax. You had to be on guard for threats, whether real or imagined, so peace felt inaccessible to you.
Someone raised in a healthy home will say: “I’m not feeling seen and recognized for all I do, let me set some boundaries so I’m not overgiving.”
Codependency says: “I’m not feeling seen and recognized for all I do. Let me do more."
So tired of Gen X saying emotional neglect made us stronger. No it didn't. It just made us tolerate too much crap because we were raised to believe our needs didn't matter.
When the scapegoat leaves, it is often after a long period of gaslighting and bullying that has created a strong sense of self-loathing. This makes it difficult for the scapegoat to progress toward their goals since they have a deep-seated feeling of unworthiness.
Normally, you will not be let out of that role no matter how hard you try to reason with them. They do not want your truth or insight, but to keep you in the role of family sin-bearer.
Codependency develops because you have to abandon yourself and your needs to keep the relationship going. As a child, you have no choice but to prioritize the relationship over yourself because you feel you’ll die otherwise.
The feeling of longing for someone who cares less about you is compelling because it’s familiar. It triggers the same false promise it did with your parents: if I only try hard enough, they'll love me.
The fear that prevents you from asking for what you want is the chance you might hear the word ‘no’. That’s because as a child, being told you couldn’t have what you wanted was so commonplace you’ve come to expect it.
If you use logic to try and convince your body it has no right to feel the way it does, you’re not alone. But your body knows you’re unsafe even when your mind gives it all the evidence in the world that you are not in danger.
You do for people even when they don’t ask because you were primed to anticipate others’ needs in order to stay safe. It’s too late when the bomb goes off; you had to suss it out and defuse it ahead of time.
When we grow up in a dysfunctional home we learn to cater to the needs and wants of others instead of ourselves. That means the holidays are a time of obligation, over giving, and fear that no matter what you do, it will never be enough.