KING RAINHEAD

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

Lotta ppl are mad, saying AI can’t do art only a human can do art. Well, kinda reminds me of how ppl used to think only a human could be a 5-star chef in a fancy French restaurant… til one brave rodent w/a dream proved them all wrong

Communities absolutely MUST wake up & replace police officers with matchmakers. End crime once & for all by helping people find true love & turn it around. Replace prisons with deep ponds of the clearest blue where couples can paddle around in boats gazing into one anothers’ eyes

might fuck around and seal away an ancient evil in an extremely common household object just to stir the pot 100 years from now

I like to be big spoon because I can pretend I’m riding around all over the place on the other person’s back while they’re doubled over with exhaustion, but then again I also like to be little spoon so I can pretend I’m sitting on a throne made out of another human being

His eyes were the deep, steady blue of Cool Blue Gatorade. His hair flowed gently in the breeze, like a stream of Lemon Lime Gatorade. When his voice, as clear and pure as Glacier Cherry Gatorade Frost, reached my ears, I felt my cheeks turn a strong shade of Fruit Punch Gatorade

Me: *reads instructions on box of food* got it *rips box apart and throws away* Me a couple minutes later: *frantically digging through trash; crouching and piecing fragments together with trembling hands like a forensic scientist while timer blares in the background*

Me whenever I see a cop: wait I’m not doing anything illegal right now am i...? oh my god what if I’m doing crimes right now?? stay chill, look casual, keep your breath even, don’t check your phone

My boyfriend: I just can’t do the military roleplay anymore. It’s over. Me into my radio: Roger that. It’s what? Over! Still my boyfriend as far as I’m concerned: ...goodbye Me into my radio: Hello? This is mission control do you copy? Come in, over! *intently listens to static*

I can’t be the only one who wants us to legalize all performance enhancing drugs in sports and just see exactly how far competitive jocks are willing to push things

If somebody helps you put your luggage into overhead storage on a plane, they are proposing and if you thank them for their help verbally, you are accepting. You are now sky-married for the duration of the flight and that is your sky-spouse even if you don’t sit together.

A fuckboy lawyer who starts your first meeting by saying you shouldn’t get involved with him because he’s only going to hurt you, doesn’t show up for (court) dates, then texts you that he was never looking for anything serious and he doesnt know why you’re so angry

I never know what level of squeezing is appropriate when shaking hands, so to be safe, when someone reaches out for a handshake i look them dead in the eye, gently kiss the soft, exposed center of their palm, fold their fingers around the kiss, and run away as quick as the wind

An awareness ad campaign for a luxury cars where advertisers submit anonymous tips nationwide about missing children who were last seen getting in various new models of a single brand (each with several distinctive must-have features)& blow up everyone’s Amber Alert notifications

A lot of folks don’t realize that the real reason that tall people are warmer than short people is that heat has a tendency to rise. It actually has nothing at all to do with their distance from the sun, which is balanced out by short people’s proximity to the earth’s core

Imagine an alternate reality where instead of nazism, communism got really big with white nationalists. Instead of fashy undercuts & army boots, throngs of rednecks with square hair like kim jung/mao and zhongshan suits exploding on the scene to demand camgirls work in factories

Youre walking home when you see him- an old raver you recognize from the news. You back away & trip as he approaches, falling to the ground. With a smile he puts his hands on your shoulders & cracks your body like a glowstick. Neon light pours out as he wraps you around his wrist