i have anxiety today which basically just means my depression had an espresso

i’m tired of all these parents crying about raising kids like honey i just got hit by a youtube ad that didn’t have a skip option we all have things that test our patience

[reads a tweet with 3 likes] heh *keeps scrolling* [same exact tweet with 50k likes] well bend me over and slap me sideways this is the funniest thing ever i am laughing out loud to the point that i am in fact screaming

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone in 1876. So no, Eric. I don’t believe 1850 really called asking for their monocle back.

The 5 Great Lakes: - Superior - Michigan - Justin Timber - Ontario - Frosted F

the main character of bugs life is an ant named flick. he's a ant. named flick. that's like naming bambi "shotgun".

our generation as grandparents is gonna be weird like imagine ur grandpa listening to drake or texting u “lmao i’m dead”

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec? CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now.. CAMEL 1: It's one straw Marvin don't be like that

Curiosity was the straw that killed the camels cat so dont count ur chickens until u put all ur eggs in one basket because a bird in the hand is worth two with one stone and a penny saved is worth 1000 words but early to bed early to rise catches the worm until the fat lady sings

Good Neighbor: Hey I came as soon as I heard. You ok? State Farm (out of breath): SO DID WE WE'RE ALSO HERE WE GOT HERE AT LIKE THE EXACT SAME TIME ITS A TIE

WATSON: Here's the weird thing. There's only one set of footprints. SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

{Pixar Meet & Greet} Buzz Lightyear: I'm a talking toy Dory: I'm a talking fish Lightning McQueen: I'm a talking car Guy from UP: My wife died Everyone: Dory: I'm a talking fish

[tree falls in forest] [doesnt make a sound] GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the— TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

[sex] HER: oh! Oh! OH! ME: o’reilyyyy HER: autoparts! *we both cum*

[spelling bee] Judge: your word is "restaurant" Me: *lips on mic* can you go fuck yourself

Doctor: for fuck sake don’t let ur kids jump on the bed anymore Momma Monkey: Okay [doctor gets a call at 1 am] Momma Monkey: you’re not gonna believe this