History

#history channel American Ripper is just so bad. I love you. Please stick to history not made-up nonsense.

#60DaysInAtlanta whiteswashed. According to all 3 seasons there is no sex, rape or consensual in jail. BS.

I keep a small bag packed by the front door in preparation for the inevitable day when #TheGaryBusey shows up and says, "It's time."

@michaeljnelson I'm looking at my bible and I can't find either of those passages you quoted. Although, it would make a better bible.

#johnpinette family please hire an Asian guy to do the eulogy. "You go NOW!! You been here 50 year!!"

When I get stressed I use a mantra that I repeat; "They're real, they're not puppets". This has helped me not kill a lot of puppets.

"Life's too short!" - 1940's insomniac magazine enthusiast.

@michaeljnelson I prefer to update it to "Marbles in a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos".

Just invented the Phillips screw-top bottle.

That "popping" sound that weasels make when they die, must be like heroin to a monkey.

If you have a baby and someone complains that you brought it to a public place, just explain that it's a seeing-eye baby.

"Everyone thinks towels are so cool. They suck!" -Breeze after losing his job.

I don't think the Riffs would be upset if the Warriors shot Miley Cyrus. #mileycyrus

Stuff and nonsense.

"I would have got away with it, too; if not for those Medillin kids!" - Nancy Reagan on her war on drugs.

For those of you in Key West, sunset was at 7:39. Or, for you non-idiots, it was when the sun disappeared behind the horizon.

AP: David Bowie issues statement; "Finally"!! And changes name back to David Jones. #davyjones

It's sad that someone of Ryan Seacrest's talent was subject to... Oh, wait... Dump biohazard soup on him for all I care. #oscars

I think a Native American head dress would have been practical if worn by 19th British clerks. Endless supply of writing utensils.