I’d like to see a movie where the hitman opens the briefcase to assemble the high-powered rifle and sees it’s made by Ikea.

I don't know what it is, but the moment you hit 60 some kind of biological Miracle Grow starts feeding your nose and ear hair.

I've reached the age where I have a collection of ointments,

Have you ever thought about where the guy who named the cockroach first discovered one?

Sam Neill played the son of satan when Damien the Omen became president. In essence, he was the first to play Trump.

I think the scariest biker gangs are those large groups of cyclists in Spandex.

I think the great irony of America's obsession with perfect lawns is that the pesticides used to maintain it destroy the natural environment from which grass comes.

We've reached the point in the U.S. where we need a way to see that our vote has been counted and went toward the person we chose.

I'm worried Netflix knows my wife better than I do.

I went jogging today and got passed by an older woman in a walking boot.

My wife talked to me for nearly an hour about how much she can't stand chatty people.

Google is my Primary Care Physician.

I have a very small dog — a Shih-tzu — and her behavior indicates that she has a Napoleon complex.