There is so much that happens to cancer patients that we doctors don't ever see. We can empathize, imagine what it's like but we have no idea until we experience something like the following: This morning I was having a conversation with my husband over breakfast. He's been having a lot of anxiety since my diagnosis, as you might expect. I spent the morning trying to reassure my husband that he will be okay after my death. We talked about grief, anticipatory grief and finding a way to hold on to hope which means having faith that as bad as something is in the moment, the future holds beautiful possibilities. I said, 20 years ago before we were married, you couldn't have imagined you would have the life we have now. So, even though you can't see it now, you have no idea what your life will be in 20 years. Maintaining this hope is usually a conscious choice that often requires a lot of effort. But without it, we are nothing. Without it, my husband can sink into a dark oblivion which is something that frightens me. Even worse, that I won't be there to be able to help him through it. Instead, all I can do is plant these little seeds in his mind and hope he remembers conversations like this one. I've been asked to do an inservice for NPs that make home palliative care visits. The topic was, what is the difference between specialty palliative care and say traditional medicine. The difference is, that only palliative care serves to help patients with issues like what I just experienced. Existential suffering with severe illness runs deep. Deeper than I ever could have imagined before I became a patient myself. I thought I knew, I acknowledged it was present, but I had NO idea. #MedTwitter #cancer #PalliativeCare @ThanksCancer