Kalvin

BANK TELLER: to open an account I'll need a first name ME: Robin BT: and a last? ME: Dabanc BT: so ur Robin Dabanc Me: *slowly reveals gun*

Like the rest of the (in)sane people, I went here: bsky.app/profile/kalvinmacle…

The more USB cords you buy the less you own.

My main goal at Easter is to eat enough mini eggs to make MEGA EGG.

Wife: we need to spend more quality time together Me: *cancels plans with friends* Wife: let's paint the kitchen Me: *reactivates “plans with friends” subscription*

If you ever want to truly feel alive, wake up your children by playing hot cross buns on the recorder.

ME: are you spying on me? GOOGLE: *not making eye contact* no ME: I feel like I'm being followed GOOGLE: not by me, nope CHROME: *shows ads for surveillance equipment*

Ok, I'll bite. What's a BlueSky and can I get an invite?

One time my cat went an entire hour without puking on a rug so I took him to the vets.

My kids are competing about who gets rashes more often, if you want to know what sibling rivalry looks like.

The internet is out in my neighbourhood so my family hates me.

Her: I'm looking for someone a little edgier Me: sometimes I eat the bottom of my ice cream cone knowing full well that it's going to leak Her: *raises one eyebrow*

I met someone today that only likes the cookie part of an oreo and I thought to myself how is it possible that a 5 year old can be so stupid.

One of the things I least want to do in this life is shop for lamp shades, and yet, here I am.