Jupiter

Every Ethan I have ever met in my life has been a freaky little weirdo. Positive gremlin energy.

Me: Do you think everyone had fun last night? Dan: Yes, and your brain should be telling you everyone had fun last night. Me: Well my brain is telling me everyone hates me and is just pretending to be my friend so we aren’t listening to her today.

I have seen the "hide" button include AI before, but I guess I just wasn't quite expecting LinkedIn of all sites to phase it like that 💀

A lady cop?? Ridiculous. I don’t want my children reading this trash and getting any “new age ideas”

Also while I’m at it, @brooklinen could you give me a .30 discount please… It’s really important

Hey @GeneralElectric can you make a stovetop that has a timed shutoff? I keep forgetting to turn mine off. Thanks

Finally a gluten free elevator

Prosecco and getting rocked in sports betting 🥰

Look how slutty this little stem is 😍

Hehe vs not hehe

My Waymo is so toxic it keeps honking at people and turning my music off

I couldn’t imagine living in a time without watermelon and rats

Found an old collection of baseball cards. Does anyone know the rules to this game?

Jesus Christ

Glutexo, use schlitzer!

Before I got diagnosed with ADHD

Last night in my dream I was at a sleeping and someone said “I can’t sleep” and I said “what’s that got to do with me” and rolled over and for whatever reason I thought it was so funny I woke myself up.

Can you guess when I got to my parents house?

I’m going to just get really weird and unhinged for the second half of my existence

Daily slime