Jewerstein

Seth Rogen talks shit about politicians, smokes weed, and makes vases. Seth Rogen is a high school art teacher.

Never ask Heidi Klum for a hand job.

Bangers & Mash: a British legal drama.

Saying “this is the rhythm of the night” a million times doesn’t make it a convincing argument. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a funk soul brother to check out right about now.

If you watch Jaws backwards it’s about a loser who watches movies backwards.

In 8th grade I shit my pants in front of my crush and I’m pretty sure time-traveling ZIONISTS are to blame.

Opening seasonal bars in empty retail stores. I call it Spirits Halloween.

Have you seen Nobody Wants This? It’s about my penis in high school.

The more you hear the word rhetoric, the scarier times you live in.

You know the food’s gonna be fire when it’s served on an old timey newspaper.

Just saw a toddler wearing a Nirvana shirt and I bet he doesn’t even understand that it’s an anti-rape song.

Is it urinal cake?

The first Olympics were in 1896. The first plane was invented in 1903. So for a while it was like “anyone around here from Albania? We need you to throw this iron ball from your neck.”

Civil War Reenactments are just code for old timey cosplay 69 orgies.

“Just make sure you burn the shit out of it.” - Every Top Rated Pizza Place

I’ve never taken shrooms but I have seen the Olympics Closing Ceremonies.

TACO = Trump Always Chicks Out BURRITO = Bro U R Really Into Taunting Orangeman

The only one drunker than the person who invented chicken fried steak is the person who named it.

Wait, are there things living in your brain that are paying rent?

I screamed through the night til I was red in the face. I pissed and shit myself several times. I slept like a baby.