Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

If I had a dollar for every dead baby bunny I scooped out of my pool today, I’d have three dollars. :(

I checked my dog’s phone and her camera roll was full of pictures of me sleeping.

My kingdom for a quiet tape gun.

Giving out @Arbys streak nuggets to trick-or-treaters this year.

Imagine how fuckin’ weird Michael Jackson’s face would have looked had he lived to be 67.

A lot of you desperately need to go outside and touch some fuckin’ grass.

The local 6 o’clock news is just an hour long commercial for the 10 o’clock news.

This is like having to choose your favorite cat turd from the litter box.

Weird as shit to watch AI already replacing history with fudged images and made up news on the interwebz. Super glad I still have this trusty set of Encyclopedias.

My cat is always so interested in things that are just absolutely none of her dang business.

Not very many people naming their babies Cloris these days.

When Hulu finally starts working again, hundreds of thousands of people will angrily utter a collective hulullujah.

Nordstrom’s like “Happy International Women’s Day, you stupid bitch, here’s 40% off this hideous, grotesquely overpriced sweater just for you on your special little day!”

Would you rather swim in a shark tank or a shart tank?

Freed up 4gb of space on my phone by deleting all the dead people’s phone numbers.

All my Grandmas are dead, so I guess the torch has officially been passed…I’m responsible for reusing these Christmas gift bags until the bottoms give out.

Bees are so cute. Why do they have to be so mean? 🐝 🐝 🐝

When someone tries to hug me…

My fan should be able to blow itself clean when I reverse its direction.