Jess Carpenter

4yo: What’s that? Me: Mommy’s new book! 4yo: 😢 but I want a book too! *one year later*

When is Black Friday hitting @Redfin

Pacifier? No. Random plastic turtle leg? Yes.

Me: please don’t climb up pantry shelves to get cookies 5yo: I didn’t climb, I used a chair Me: 5yo: Me: okay well STILL

My toxic trait is picking out all the good items in ice cream for myself and then getting my kids hyped for “vanilla” ice cream.

Nothing like a beautiful, relaxing yoga class with the blaring sound of your toddler playing Mario on the Nintendo switch in the background.

Me: *sees the price of groceries* Also me: *calls my mother in law to ask if we can spend spring break at her house*

My husband thinks the “readers digest version” means that I want the super in depth version with every single detail and I don’t have the heart to tell him it’s quite the opposite

Real parenting milestones: - the first blowout diaper - first time your kid says I hate you - first time your kid throws up - when your kid wipes themselves - when your kid buckles themselves in - when they can get their own snacks

I love how people make weather a competition. I’ll be like “it’s cold” and someone will be like “COLD? I EAT DRY ICE FOR BREAKFAST. CALL ME WHEN YOU’RE ACTUALLY COLD”

3yo: My tummy is rowling for donuts Me: It’s growling? Do you want a granola bar? 3yo: No. It only rowls for donuts

5yo: *sniffing baby’s head* But why does he smell soooo good? He doesn’t even take baths

Hit my New Year’s resolution early this year and lost 7 pounds 3 ounces yesterday💙

5yo: I’m so excited to go back to school tomorrow! I’m going to hug EVERYONE! Me: 🥴 Yeah uh actually let’s refrain from doing that, please

5yo: Will you draw a barn for me? Me: *draws barn* 5yo: That’s wrong. It doesn’t look like a barn Me: There are no mistakes in art 5yo: Yes, there is. *points to my barn*

*whenever I call anyone right now* Then: ARE YOU IN LABOR? Me: 😐 uh nope just calling to check in

Texas is fun because in the span of 12 hours you get to turn on both your A/C and your heater

The only gaslighting I support is parents turning on the fake New Years countdowns for kids that Netflix so kindly provides

Me: What will you do when the baby cries? 3yo: Uh I’ll drop him? Me: 😳 No

5yo: *in 10th place on Mario Kart* Sweet! I just got 10 points!

A mom’s favorite Christmas song: 🎶 For we need a little caffeine Right this very minute, Kids stalking the window, Carols at the spinet. 🎶