Jason Andors

Who needs enemies when u have good friends

I just witnessed a more or less 500 pound man with skinny jeans on pull a half of a flat sandwich out of his pocket that within seconds formed into its original shape. My man had a Temper-Pedic sandwich.

North Korea bans laughter for 11 days. Future news: 200,000 people die laughing. 3,000,000 bombed.

The homeless problem in LA is so bad that people are Airbnbing their tents

I love nude beaches. But I always feel uncomfortable because I’m the only one dressed

My friend told me that he always wakes up depressed in the morning. I couldn’t relate. I always wake up in the afternoon because I’m too depressed to wake up in the morning.

You know you’re lonely when you go to answer your phone and you’re trying to remember if you met a girl named Scam Likely

I’m getting the Johnson and Johnson vaccine. I hope it works as good as the baby oil 🤪

COMEDIC CORNER AT CENTRAL 8 PM AT FOXWOODS TONIGHT SATURDAY MARCH 6TH!!! $10 TICKET PRICE!!!

A woman who has a fake ass yet won’t have anal sex is a siliCON artist.

QUESTION: Who remembers how grimy and dangerous Times Square was back in the 70s and 80s? Well if you don’t remember, go there tomorrow and check it out.

Naomi Campbell’s boyfriend bought her a $390 million mansion. Ok now it’s time to stop wasting my day googling nonsense and work on my own career..........Oh wait one more thing, Vanna White’s house is worth about $42 million. Pat Sajak’s house is only $699,000!

Crime is so bad in NYC lately that I had to turn off my notifications on Citizen App so I could concentrate on my writing.

I don’t know why there is so much crime lately in my neighborhood. My area has an extremely heavy police presence. You should see the cop on my corner. He weighs at least 560 pounds.

I just sent someone an 8 minute video of my comedy and a minute later he texted me back “great stuff!”

Corona has put us all in prison. I’m single so I’m basically in solitary confinement. My friends living with a partner have special privileges.

The best thing about getting married are all of the great photos you’ll have for a future dating site.

Freeport is the Jersey of the Bahamas. This tweet was more of an insult to Jersey

My boy told me to keep following my dreams. Well if I follow last nights then I will have sex with his girlfriend.

Good news and bad news with the Starbucks situation. Bad news is it was a horrible racist act that should never happen. Good news is homeless black people now have a place to stay all day without being harassed or arrested.