I don’t have proof that right now @ScottJenningsKY is autoerotic asphyxiating. But I also don’t have proof that he’s not.

Everything He Touches Episode 6,042

In a social media post, Pabst offered $20,000 to any person who can help locate 34,000 cans of beer stolen from a warehouse in Montclair, California. The brewery says they first learned about the heist after Pentagon officials called about a missing delivery.

There’s a direct correlation between my total number of “house work shoes” and the number of times I wore actual good sneakers and said, “I probably won’t make a mess this time.”

TOTO toilets. You see them everywhere. Like this one at the ATL Airport. Which had me wondering … maybe the name TOTO cleverly suggests that when you have to go to the bathroom there really is no place like home.

Easiest prediction in the history of predictions.

Lighten up, Justin.

The loser of the World Cup third place game should have to fly home commercial coach. Middle seats.

“At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

Damn. Sorry, England. Once again … everything he touches. ⛳️

Today marks the end of the Great American State Fair. Both people have been informed they need to leave by 9pm.

America in 2026: "We're pretty sure the senator is dead." "Naw. He's fine." "Doesn't seem like it." "Just trust us. Until August 3rd." "OK."

An Indiana man was arrested and charged with arson after cutting off his own penis and lighting it on fire. Apparently, he had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, but then she changed her mind and said she still wanted s'more.

Platner is officially out. * breathes dramatically * Fine. I will do it. I'll be the senate candidate for Maine. What do I need to know? Let's see ... Maine. Maine. Maine. That's the one with the clown in the storm drain, right? I'm anti that. #NoEvilClowns #BelliniForMaine

That's it. No more World Cup until Thursday. Great opportunity to reintroduce yourself to loved ones.

He just HAD to get involved.

Belgium playing with house money. USA playing under a cloud. Bad voodoo. Everything he touches. 😑

Balogun should never have seen red. But learning it was the president who intervened has not only stained an otherwise remarkable World Cup, but also spoiled this moment for the USMNT. Just like he'll 100% spoil the eventual trophy photo after the final. Bookmark this.

🚨 Unpopular Opinion Alert 🚨 This #MexEng ref has actually been pretty good.

Was this blatant FIFA corruption? Yes. Was suspending Balogun's red the right decision? Also yes. #FREEBALOGUN