If a fetus is a child then how come I’m allowed within 100 feet of pregnant women.

Comics will be like Tour Dates! Sept 29 - New Jersey October 8 - NYC October 29 - Connecticut

The crazy thing is that even if Trump did die Democrats would still find a way to lose to him.

I like that Zohran Mamdani is a Muslim Socialist, that means he’ll redistribute 72 virgins.

Just cancelled all my shows in Tehran.

I’m expecting Trump to come out and claim he has an even more aggressive form of cancer.

DNC released a statement claiming Biden’s prostate is stronger than ever.

Hey girl are you a tariff? because I don’t understand you but I’m pretty sure you’re bad for me.

Honestly TikTok should give us all 3,000 extra followers just for the inconvenience.

If someone gets “comics to watch” 5 years in a row is it safe to say that we can stop watching them.

The most unbelievable part of this whole Luigi Mangione case is that an Italian man reads.

Luigi Mangione answers the question : What if the Mafia was progressive.

We’re 20 minutes into Thanksgiving dinner and my uncle already used the term “oriental”

Kamala could of fought better than Tyson.

Trump picks his cabinet like he’s doing auto draft in fantasy football.

I like when the election drags for a few days because it gives me an excuse to day drink all week.

Hopefully this shrinks the KillTony pool enough for me to get on.

Whoever is training these Trump assassins sucks at their job

Draft kings should put out a prop on the over / under for another Trump assassination attempt before Election Day.

Hahahaahahaha