Panda

I’m gonna give 10 random people that repost this and follow me $25,000 for fun (the $250,000 my X video made) I’ll pick the winners in 72 hours

HI, I never thought I would be making this tweet but here we are. I would like to start with saying I am sorry. A lot of what was seen includes a lot of truths, and for those I am embarrassed and disgusted. I would like to ask for a bit of grace until the end of this tweet and after it is done you may hold any opinion and I do not fault you for that. I would like to start off with my mental health. I do not and will not excuse my behavior but I do want to express how it affects me and how it played a role in my relationship. I have a very long background with trauma that started in my childhood. I first realized how affected I was at the age of 20 and started my journey to get help. I was diagnosed four years ago with Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD. Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships. With borderline personality disorder, you have an intense fear of abandonment or instability, and you may have difficulty tolerating being alone. Yet inappropriate anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you want to have loving and lasting relationships. While it is a relief that I know what it is I struggle with it has not been easy to manage. I am medicated, I sought out a therapist as well as a psychiatrist to both work hand in hand in moving me forward. While doing so I can say it has not been the easiest. I am continuously learning and improving on how to cope and deal with my anger, trauma, sadness and inability to maintain relationships whether they are platonic or intimate. I have had issues setting boundaries and also taking a lot of my anger out on the people closest to me. I am aware of the abusive tendecies I have and the boundaries I overstep. I am improving on how to better manage that. I do want to express my side of the story and why I reacted and said the horrible things I said. Again I do want to say it does not excuse my behavior but I hope it will be a small window into what my reality was and sometimes is. I would like to start with how I got to know Sai and where our relationship developed. We met through mutual friends, at first I enjoyed his humor, banter, confidence, and intelligence. As we hung out platonically I realized I enjoyed his company further than that, and wanted to flirt a bit. Things were fun, light hearted, I got to take my viewers through this same experience. I was overall happy and in a good place in life. Soon after my mother got a cancer diagnosis. She is still currently going through chemo and I have and continue to prioritize her health in my life but it did take a toll on my mental health and I started to revert to poor behavior which I didn't recognize immediately. I started to skip out on my appointments for my own health, I neglected myself, my friends and relationship with Sai. I started to panic and felt I was going to lose everything at once. I don't know where or when the fighting exactly happened because at first it was sporadic and by the end of our relationship it felt like a daily occurence. I do own up that some of the fights have been started by myself due to not handling my emotions correctly. My relationship with Sai at this time was definitely shaky and it was due to what was going on in my external environment. When I started to realize I was self sabotaging and coping with what was going on poorly, I then realized I needed to communicate better with those around me. At this point Sai had already known about my diagnosis but I now let him know the degree and depths of my mental illness. He seemed to understand and was supportive and things were getting better. Now before we get into the downfall of our relationship I want to make a few things clear. We both had discussed in depth my BPD. I think it is important to note that while we discussed my BPD I wanted to very clearly and make him aware of potential topics may trigger me and how I may react or what I may do. I did so that way he would recognize when I was having episodes and so we could then follow the arguments appropriately without escalating them. I would like to mention my triggers as they corollate with a section of Sais video where I was recorded without my consent. The specific things that I mentioned to him were calling me a liar, mentioning my past sexual assault, ignoring me intentionally, abandonment, being touched from behind, being left alone in a room of men and a multitude of related triggers specific to my lack of trust in men/strangers. We had a ton of fights and things had escalated and we worked on it and moved past it. Our relationship over all was private and usually over voice whether it was phone calls, or private discord calls. Most of our conversations in texts were normally after a huge fight and he would refuse to respond to me but continue to make his presence known online. I don't want to get into every detail of every fight but I would like to mention what my reality was during the voice recording and how I got there. I would most definitely get extremely upset and explosive arguments would happen and again I would say horrible things and would not let go of how hurt I felt until I felt he understood the degree of emotional pain I felt which again is not ok but it is directly related to the place I was mentally during these arguments. It is embarrassing to have to talk about because in those moments no matter how in love, or how much I love someone even if its my own family, I just lose myself. It is also embarrassing because I thought I was better, and clearly I was not. I understand why Sai feels I abused and manipulated him but I also want to make it clear through every fight, every discussion, every screen shot there was deeper conversations happening where I thought we were moving forward and life was grander. I would heavily apologize and we would essentially kiss make up and navigate our relationship as best as we could. Now, after the videos release I am coming to realize that it was far worse, and that we weren't moving in the same direction. This was definitely in the period of time where we were heading towards the end and our fights escalated beyond what they should have. I had brought up that I felt he was treating me poorly. I mentioned that if everyone knew how he treated me that no one would think he was this great nice guy and if I ever exposed him it would be over for him. This is wrong, this was shitty, and I should have better controlled my emotions. At this point because our fights had already gotten to a point where we both were crossing boundaries, Sai had brought up that he could bring up my sexual assault and in turn use that against me to hurt me. He mentioned that he knew at what extent that would hurt me. We both were definitely taking and eye for an eye but I had felt that bringing my sexual assault up as a fighting point was far worse than anything I could ever imagine doing to him. It hurt, it stung, I screamed, I cried, I told him I was going to take his career away, I made sure he knew that I was going to try to take what he loved most and what he would repeatedly tell me was more important to him was his career. I became uncontrollable and I thought of every way I could put fear into him, I could make him stop, I could have him realize that it crossed 1000 boundaries and more. I just completely got lost in anger, and hurt. I never could take his career, I could never get him shadowbanned, I never could take anything from him. I only wanted to feel like he thought I could because when my sexual assault got put on the table I immediately had the breath taken from me. I was uncontrollable and I was horrible. A mutual friend of his wanted to mediate our argument and I allowed it to happen because I truly thought it was to help us and not for any other purpose. I did feel strange after joining and uncomfortable because I felt the fight should have been between him and I because of the degree of it but his friends insisted on helping and I insisted on doing anything that could help us. I felt vulnerable, I was scared, I was angry, I was hurt but I wanted to try. As the conversation went I started to feel cornered and then I again lashed out. Full blown, full anger, full on threats to end the one thing he loved. We discussed things in depth and moved on just like we did any other fight, we were still in love, we were still what I thought was happy and in it long term. Obviously looking back for myself I feel as if the pressure to join that call and to include a mediator, I'm starting to realize it may have been a set up to catapult and hard core prove that I was absolutely insane and nothing but. While I shouldn't have said what I said I also stand by that my sexual assault should have never been a part of any argument, or used in a way to fuel my fire before cornering and recording me. Moving past this which I would not like to address again due to it being directly related to my sexual assault. I do want to discuss the physical altercation between Sai and I at the airbnb. The fight was physical, it should not have happened, both of us shouldn't have let it escalate or put our hands on each other. The bruising is very real and is from our altercation. I took the photos as soon as I had gone to shower and realized I had bruises/ marks. I took photos because I was still unsure at that point if I should have filed a police report. At this point I had known our relationship was over but I did not know if escalating it and involving police officers would be worth pursuing for my own peace and sanity.I almost wanted to act like it didn't happen. I was very much in disbelief, shock, I was angry at myself and at him, I was starting to escalate emotionally with everything hitting me at once when I arrived at home. I didn't want to move past the physical fight but I also wanted to pretend it didn't happen because it was horrible from both our ends and I didn't want to believe that about us. Following that he had blocked me on everything, I used X/Twitter as an outlet for myself after being told he posted we broke up. I wanted to express myself and my pain and my disappointment knowing he had me blocked. I didn't think or want him to reach out or even address it. It was my outlet a way to write how I felt, let it go and move on. There are no rules for how to handle a breakup, where it is appropriate to journal, where to express emotion, should it only be on paper. I did what I felt would help me let go. I am sorry to my fellow partners that had to hear that, I am sorry that it put you in a bad light, this platform and the people have done nothing but work hard to achieve their goals and they don't deserve the backlash for my inability to control myself when I am upset. I am sorry to myself for not doing better and I am also sorry to Sai for ever making him feel like he was less than in those moments. This is something I am working on and continuing to work on because ultimately I don't want to be angry, I don't want to treat people horribly, and I would like to be seen for the excitement and hope I have for myself. While this tweet is hard for those who were asking for proof of timestamps on the bruising, all of those clips plus additional information and evidence can be found in my discord(link below). Thanks for those who gave their time to read. You are free to express your opinions I understand this is a heavy topic. I hope and wish healing for everyone involved, and I hope we can all move forward and live our lives as best we can. Thank you for reading.