Ian Rowland

Fireworks work because fire works.

Amazing to think that every chair, no matter how or where it's made, is 60% air.

Ever seen me try to get my life sorted out and live like a mature, thoughtful, organised adult? Mm. Well, if it helps, imagine a Dalek trying to learn tap-dancing.

Important business discussions. I'm not so good at this 'blue sky' thinking I keep hearing about. However, if you're after 'dismal stormy dark grey wet Monday morning sky' thinking, then you'll _love_ my contributions.

The thin wooden 'stirrer' thingy at the coffee shop. I can bend it and snap it in two with just one hand and barely any effort. This makes me feel awesomely super-powered. It shouldn't. But it does. I sometimes do two.

Progress is using audio AI tech to produce a vid of Bing Crosby singing 'I'm Dreaming Of Happy Holidays However You Choose To Celebrate Them With Whatever Is The Seasonally Appropriate Weather For Your Region'. Can't wait to hear this one!

There are those who worry that things like Chat GPT and AI are going to make us all more stupid. And there are those who realise we still have astrology columns in newspapers. We never needed advanced tech to produce badly written rubbish that doesn't make sense.

It's a long shot, but just in case there's anyone I dislike who's trying to learn or make sense of English spelling right now, I think I'll walk up the aisle on the Isle of Islay.

In case anyone needs this, here's the PERFECT life plan: be an Australian tortoise. You get to just sleep through all the cold, rubbishy winter months... but you still get to enjoy Christmas! #genius

The years are passing by, this old world keeps spinning a-round and none of us are getting any younger. Yet still no one can tell me the answer. But I'll keep asking. Yes, I'll keep asking and hoping. What do you call a piece of felt before anyone has touched it?

Google. I dislike the way I type in what I want and it sighs like a disappointed parent, shows my search history (unasked) and says, 'Look, you asked me about this just 30 minutes ago, plus twice yesterday and once last week. The answer's still the same. Try taking notes.'

First, you have people who can't distinguish between a bird, a plane and a flying man in a bright red and blue suit. Next, a woman who can't recognise the man she loves if he puts on glasses. Superman stories take place in a world where people have _seriously_ poor eyesight.

All I'm saying is that I expect Pythagoras didn't get invited to many parties. "By the way, everyone, did you know that on a right-angled tri..." His friends: "We know, we know. You've told us. Mate, move on. Discover something else."

Love how the only rule for naming fonts is that there are no rules, you can make up whatever nonsense you want and the name gets used forever. 'We did the brochure in Old Baskerville Urinal Medium'. 'The headline's set in Condensed Parchment Serifwibble so it stands out more.'

Suffering? Don't talk to me about suffering. Sometimes, there's a catchy, intriguing song playing over the tannoy in the coffee shop or supermarket... and it fades out before I can grab my phone and Shazam it. I will never know what it was. NEVER! Never... (silent sobs)

Ventriloquist friend of mine got a job in a pet shop. Made an absolute FORTUNE! Mainly from selling "highly intelligent" parrots.

Scientists: climate change is intensifying and we must take URGENT action to avoid a human extinction event! British media: here's a vox pop of people in Kettering reacting to the change of the wrapper on the purple Quality Street.

I don't get why Plato and Aristotle get to be regarded as great philosophers when I'm the one asking the really BIG questions. Like... why do they call it 'gloss' paint when it should obviously be 'glossy'. I mean, would they say it goes on easil and dries quickl ?

Movie idea: a sequel to Scarface. Very pleasant, no violence or unpleasantness. All about a man who has a scarf. And he wears it really well.

When you buy a calendar, it comes with dates highlighted that are totally obvious and that everyone already knows, like Jan 1st is New Year's Day and Dec 25th is Christmas. So a better name would be a calend-duh!