Matthew James Hunt

A scorching hot official review of I Am Not Gog goo.gl/Q1VC5i

Coupons first originated in Africa in the mid-1960s, where participants in successful coups d'état were issued with supermarket tokens for 50% off baked beans and suchlike in gratitude for their commitment to the cause. #coupons #coupdetat

To celebrate #BurnsNight2021 I'm having a massive prawn cocktail salad for dinner. I bet he loved prawn cocktail much more than haggis. I mean, who wouldn't? Scots gaelic for prawn cocktail is: "carran-creige, duilleagan, agus sauce pinc.'

Other men buy fast cars; others, hard drugs; others still, season tickets to kickballs. I just bought a £100 toaster. Problems?

I actually just made a hash of making corned beef hash. How useless can you be?

What would happen if all promotional material stopped asking questions?

Here's the truth watching Cast Away as a postman. I would have ripped open all the parcels on day one. BUT, I would have repacked and stored useless items respectfully, unlike Hanks.

Genuinely just googled 'what will elevate me?' and I'm very disappointed NONE of the results involved a simple ladder.

This is actual footage of me trying to get a gherkin out of a jar with a knife this morning youtu.be/avjdKTqiVvQ

If you search Amazon for "crappy jewellery", this comes up in the list. The brand is 'Pission' and it costs 99p with free postage. amazon.co.uk/dp/B00JO7Q536/r…

It is very difficult, once you have adopted the King James Bible's use of the word 'straightway' (for 'straightaway') in everyday speech, to stop. You certainly can't stop it straightway.

I've just been offered someone's 'perfumed refreshing spray' because it doesn't agree with them. I declined.

Bumped into a posh priest I know earlier this evening. Chatting about what's going on and I accidentally said 'fucking'. To a posh fucking priest. Fuck.

Every single company that tries to get on the covid bandwagon goes straight to the bottom of the choice pile #ads

I'm getting a tattoo of a face mask on my face so I don't have to wear a real one.

Why ban Marie? All she wanted to do is melt some chocolate.

Always remember: within the word 'gopher' there is the word 'hope'. BUT, there is also the word 'grope'. And 'ho'. And 'peg'. And 'goer'. And 'phoar'. Gophers are optimistic perves.

Please, meme makers, someone do a mash-up of #SellingSunset and #aplaceinthesun