I found out this week the president of Venezuela and I have the same track suit. 🤙🏻

I’m not far left OR far right I’m far out🤙🏻🤙🏻🤙🏻

The Pope threw a rave with DJ Padre Guilherme… If Catholics are handing out molly as communion wafers, I’m definitely converting. 🙏🏻🤲🏻

Montana - “Yay marijuana is legalized!” Oregon - “Cooocaine!!!!!! Mutha fuckaaass!!”

There’s a company called @imperfect_foods that hooks you up with unattractive food for cheap. There’s a company that does that with people too called @Tinder .

Took my dog to the vet, and the vet suggested I get my dog neutered. I said I won’t have my dog mutilated, just the circumcision please.

Getting back on tinder is like checking the fridge. You’re not going back to see if there’s something good, you’re going back to see if your standards have dropped enough to put whatever’s there inside your mouth hole.

My friend told me a guy broke into his house and drank $700 worth of wine in 6 hours. I was like “He drank 70 bottles of wine in 6 hours?!”

“Fellow parents when do we get a break? Am I right??” -me after owning a puppy for one day

Family “You have bags under your eyes! Are you getting enough sleep?” Me “Yup, I just have ugly features.”

“Yeah that smokes from outside.” - me on every professional zoom call

Sneezed in my mask today at the grocery store. You can’t take you mask off to sneeze. You just got to do it in the mask. It was a nightmare.

I’m holding out for the mumble rap version of Hamilton.

Sometimes I go to unfollow someone then notice they post a lot of pictures of their dog... ok boomer... you win again.

I haven’t read a single book this quarantine but I do have the gold skin for the knife and rpg in Call Of Duty. So who’s really missing out huh huh?

Yes Netflix! I know it’s been 36 hours but I’m still here.

Yo girl you into 99’ing?! Does that mean cuddling? Yes... I’m so lonely.

“We’re suspending all use of reusable utensils during the pandemic.” “You were washing them before all this right??”

Everyone’s all about Disney+ while I’m over here asking if anyone has ever heard of torrenting. #pirateslifeforme