“Beautiful piece. Solid gold. Everyone’s talking about it. They say don’t open the Ark… but nobody opens sacred artifacts better than me. Tremendous power under this lid — maybe the best power…” #NobelPeacePrize

“In a change to today’s advertised programme, Match of the Day will be replaced by Love Thy Neighbour, Till Death Us Do Part, an hour of Bernard Manning and a party political broadcast by the Conservative Party.” #StandWithGaryLineker

THE GRAND NATIONALISM "Brexit means Brexit, Brexit means Brexit, Brexit means Brexit, Brexit means Brexit, Brexit means Brexit..."

"Abusive texts to the UK Prime Minister outlining the stupidity of Brexit have been traced to a stolen phone in Gibraltar," claims Interpol.

Tony opens the bunker to check the political atmosphere: "The President is orange and Brexit is Brexit." "It's toxic. Shut the door dear."

How 48% of the UK feels when they hear the phrase, “let’s just get on with it...” #Brexit #BrexitBarometer #BrexitShambles

🏆DARWIN AWARDS 2019 CANDIDATE🏆 And up next we have the UK leaving the EU for WTO rules... #Brexit #BrexitShambles

At the beginning of the family Christmas dinner, George’s father-in-law claimed Brexit negotiations were going ‘very well’...

Bank of England launches the Brexit Bitcoin. “If you leave them in your pocket too long they will melt away to nothing - a bit like the pound really,” said Mark Carney...

First reactions from around the country to the news of the resignation of Brexit Secretary, David Davis. #DavidDavis #BrexitShambles #PeoplesVote

INFINITE MONKEY THEOREM After sitting at a typewriter for years, David Davis has finally managed to produce something of worth... his own resignation. xitter.cf/hnormalisation/status/…

‘Arming teachers with guns will sort out high school shootings,’ said Trump, shortly before demonstrating the required apparatus needed to tackle a domestic house fire...

Just in training for the Trump/Piers Morgan interview...

Get out 2017!! 2018, sit in the corner and behave yourself...

Actual size of the new UK blue passport revealed; ‘you'll need the extra space for all the EU visa stamps,’ said the foreign office.

Wishing you all a peaceful Christmas and in the words of the late great Dave Allen, ‘Goodnight, thank you and may your God go with you.’

Jacob Marley; ‘a chained and tormented ghost, doomed to wander the earth forevermore as punishment for his greedy, selfish and uncaring attitude towards mankind’. Just saying...

Little known facts; David Davis’ great-grandfather was in charge of the impact assessment of icebergs on the Titanic.

CAUTION - DO NOT APPROACH Police issue pictures of a wanted confidence trickster who sells dodgy double glazing to pensioners and transparent lies about Brexit impact assessments...

Wallace and Gromit return this Xmas in ‘The Wrong President’; “Because of Brexit we ran out of plasticine but I think we still captured his character,” said Nick Park.