No rest for the wicked!.. I’ve had once a week Nora on the phone in a panic. Her over weight kitty “Dulcia vitality” has got stuck going out the cat flap. She’s making a terrible racket and all Norah can see is a furry pencil sharpener. I’ve sent Everard round with my WD40.. – at Nottingham, England

Fancy, I’ve just seen double-denim Deidre on a power trot with her pal wheel-barrow Beryl from the Saphic Strollers group. “Just getting our steps in Laz!..” she shouted as I was tending to Everard’s red hot poker, I’ve never seen it so limp.. I’m worn out before I’ve started.

Hope you’re all ok in this heat..I’m like a spent rag. Everard’s gone to bed, he was sunning himself on the patio all day with his friend Lancôme Bird his back looks like fried spam. Serves him right, he’s a hostage to vanity. There’s no beauty in looking like a burnt scrag end.

What a night it’s been, I think I’ve barely managed two winks in this heat. I could hear Everard tossing all night in the box room. I’d just dropped off and was awoken at dawn by old Willy Uppard’s cock over the back.. 🐓

Everard’s cacti ‘Prickly Willy’ is looking ever so limp. The two of them have been through so much together. He showed it to the vicar, dog-collar Des, in my lean-to last week. He’s good with succulents but looked underwhelmed..

That reminds me, Everard says Roger Mycock wants to use our washer as his new Beko isn’t delivered until next week. I told him straight “my hot point doesn’t have an industrial setting to rid his garments of that cheap cologne he wears & those brown stains on his slacks!..” cheek

Ooo I’m worn out, I’ve just had Slack on the ‘phone in a fluster. She’s got a date tonight with that mechanic dip-stick Des who she met in The Cock n Trumpet. She wants to wear those Birkenstock mules sling-back Sue gave her but is worried Dipstick might spot her pigeon toe.. 🫣

Turkey-neck Ted the butcher is a lovely man but Everard insists on using his poor quality meats in his Wednesday evening meal. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s filled his hole with an economy sausage. Thank goodness I’m a vegetarian.. #toadinthehole

Ye gads, Gladys Uppard, next door, is out pruning her front bush in this weather! Mind you, I saw Mincing Maurice walking his sausage dog Brenda just an hour ago. I admire their energy, I’m like a spent rag today, sat in my lean-to listening to Iris Titsall break wind politely.

Fancy.. apparently @GylesB1 and Queen Camilla are both Pooh enthusiasts.. Everard says he use to love playing Pooh sticks with his pals Michael Bonaventure and Roger Mycock in their youth..The mind boggles #Winniethepooh

Iris Titsall has arrived, with a pack of economy toilet rolls from the precinct pound shop and a box of fancies, she’s anyone’s for a cream horn.. Is it too early for a glass of Wincarnis? 🤔

This heat..I’m worn out already! My poor pansies are wilting & don’t get me started on Everard’s Red hot poker, it’s gone terribly limp. I sawGladys Uppard eyeing it up over the fence earlier, her eyes were full of disappointment. Anyway, I’d better get on, Iris Titsall is due.

Well I’m home alone for tea tonight as Everard goes to his sausage club on a Monday. He’s hoping to tempt the members with his Cumberland ring tonight. I did try it years ago before I became a veggie but it was all gristle & skin. Everard’s always gone for a cheap sausage..

Everard, pass my specs. Is that Ronnie Corbett on ‘Lingo’? Ye gads!

Glory be, what a face Dermot O’Leary is pulling on @thismorning with @AlisonHammond Looks like one of them has passed wind according to Roger Mycock, who’s just popped round for a Mellow Birds. Quick, Everard - pass me the Glade Vanilla Bean… Pchit, pchit, pchit… 💨

I say @romankemp look at your wriggly feet on the go during your podcast… Everard was all agog! 😳 and asks if they have their own insta account? 🤔 Best wishes to you!

Oooo I’m like a spent rag in this heat. I’ve just been outside to check my borders, I could cry. All of the pansies are wilting although Everard’s red hot poker is still erect…

I’ve had Roger Mycock here today, wearing the skimpiest pair of canary yellow shorts & some Poundland flip-flops. If I’d heard them coming down my front entry I’d have pretended I was out. He’d been baking & brought me a sausage roll. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry..

Well I'm all agog, look at @Peston's barnet. Everard says he must've taken his curler out but forgot to comb it through. Gladys Uppard next door will be all hot n bothered, after a stiff Emva Cream one night she confessed she'd love to run her fingers through his locks. Fancy.

Poor Fred. I bet he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I once spotted my neighbour, Gladys Uppard pegging out 2 of her wigs on the washing line. She’d tried to disguise them by attaching 2 plastic dolls from Poundland but I knew the truth.. the dolls were tiny in comparison!😆

Well I don’t know whether I’m coming or going! Here I am stood in my galley kitchen with a wet rag in my hand & I’ve no idea what I came in here for. Everard is in the lean-to with his pal Lancôme Bird choreographing their new Eurovision ribbon dance. Apparently it’s too secret..