Juan Staymoose

Whoever organized the @usopen at #arthurashestadium is a joke. Mobs upon mobs. Nothing but impossibly tight quarters and lines. I did more for this event than you did by organizing people into lines. Whoever you are, my one tweet/year is against you Fuckface

How many chances? Stop buying @nyjets tickets until Zach ain’t the starter. STOP BUYING TICKETS. ENOUGH. #nyjetsboycott

Something about the words “public” and “pubic” being spelt so similar doesn’t sit right with me fr

If your Uber driver is ready to throw down with another car, do you legally have to back him up? Do I fight the other passenger or are we both spectators???

We miss @Timbaland !!!

Is “Summer Girls” by LFO the worst lyrical song of all time ever?

Me: Trying to sleep. My brain: Magneto would absolutely dominate in the Game of Thrones universe.

Go home @netflix closed captioning, you’re drunk.

Guy who invented butterfly stroke: Ok so it’s regular swimming but you go way slower and it’s 100x harder and u also can’t really breath doing it”

Me on a work call trying to remember something important: My brain: “Cory Cory Cory in the house (it’s a party every week baby)”

As a pet project, I wrote, produced and directed a short film about a day in the life of Hellen Keller. Please enjoy this 30 second preview:

To the couple making out in the Time Square Subway station... there’s still time to turn your lives around.

Checkout lady: “Would you like to donate to autistic children today?” Me: “No thank you, not today.” Checkout lady: “I don’t blame you.” Me: 😯

I can’t be the only one doing this when the subway slows down/speeds up right

My plan to combat obesity in the US? Make it so skinny people can legally cut any fatter person in line at any fast food restaurant. Let’s see how bad the fatties still want McDonald’s after that. #HealthyLiving

If you have earrings like this, straight up go fuck yourself.