HR instituted a new policy that every department head has to lead a monthly training seminar. They scheduled me to teach a 2-hour session on email etiquette and phishing awareness to the marketing team. I hate the marketing team. They open attachments like they're opening presents on Christmas morning. I walked into the conference room and immediately turned off all the lights. I plugged my laptop into the projector and brought up a single slide with a black background and red text. It just said they are already inside. I told the 20 marketing employees that the concept of a firewall is a comforting lie we tell the public to prevent mass hysteria. I explained that every time they click a hyperlink, a silent bidding war occurs on the dark web for their personal data. A junior copywriter raised her hand and asked how to spot a suspicious email. I told her that suspicion is a human emotion and malware doesn't care about her feelings. I said if an email contains a greeting, a sign-off, or a vowel, it's mathematically probable to be a payload delivery system. I told them about a concept I invented called Quantum Pixel Tracking. I explained that hackers now embed microscopic malicious code within the white space of a PDF document. If you look directly at the negative space on your monitor for too long, the biometric sensors in your webcam will download your retinal patterns. The Director of Marketing physically pushed his chair away from the table. I informed them that the only secure way to communicate is through unformatted, lowercase text sent via internal SMS. I spent the final 45 minutes making them practice typing without looking at the screen to avoid retinal capture. When I turned the lights back on, half of them were visibly sweating. Since that meeting, internal email volume has dropped by 85%. They now communicate almost exclusively by walking over to each other's desks and whispering. My network bandwidth has never been so pristine. I've reallocated the newly freed server capacity to host a private Minecraft server for me and my nephew. Fear is the ultimate network optimization tool. You don't need to upgrade your hardware if you just terrify the people using it.