arny hebru

Hey @mark_mcgrath are you touring this year? I've got vacations to plan! #fiveyearsinarow

KONY 2016

Attention: due to an eminent domain claim by the county, Winnie the Pooh's Hundred Acre Wood has been reduced to 87 acres.

How did the Grinch survive at that altitude with a heart that small? Not buying it, Seuss.

Fact: a white person hasn't eaten at McDonald's since 2006. Source: McDonald's advertising

I hate stereotypes about hipsters. I prefer them in mono.

Has anyone seen Jadakiss? Like in the past 12 years?

How about you quit telling me to "keep calm" and do weird shit

This cheddar is so sharp I'm bleeding. #cheesyjoke

It's so weird to think that Charlie Sheen and Gloria Estefan are brothers.

"Your airbrushed wolf/moon/forest scene on your tailgate is really doing it for me" -classy women everywhere

Don't understand why "Redskins" is so offensive and no one says anything about the Browns

"Bette Davis Thighs" is probably the worst song Kim Carnes ever recorded

The @priceline Negotiator can help you save a TON on a Chinese baby

Love how I spend 5 minutes diving through phone menus with @dish and then get hung up on immediately when it finally connects me to a person

Henceforth, in rap circles, I shall be known as the Maître G

My favorite Berenstain Bears book is the one where they break into that Boy Scout camp and maul all those children

Synthetic Marijuana? In my day if you couldn't get weed you just smoked the potpourri. That's why they call it "pot"

WHEN I TYPE IN ALL CAPS LIKE THIS IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE JAFAR ONCE HE GOT ALL HUGE AND POWERFUL AND SHIT

"Don't be mean to customer service, they're just doing their job." Uh huh. That's the same defense they used at the Nuremberg Trials.