Y'all hating now but wait till I get my funny up. 100 bands worth of jollity.

*replaces all your cilantro with coriander*

Daily games have gotten out of hand. Have you played the shittle today? What's your score on the twistastat? You HAVE to check out antpiss.io. What happened to just enjoying the Sunday funnies

Don't get it twisted my voracity does not make me a glutton I'm just solving world hunger on a highly localized scale

Right on cue

had earl for breakfast 👍

had to deal with earl today

British people be like: "this view and some onion loaf"

Can't believe what I saw today: IMG_0439.jpeg

no you can't go out "warm turkey" quit fucking with my deli meats

Do you think he will become withered FNAF-style or will they suspend his brain in fluid and hook it up to a chatbot that runs for senate 6 more times

The year is 2040. You step outside to blistering heat. Your implanted AirPods Pro begin to drone headlines in a familiar voice. It doesn't sound like anyone you know. Something draws your attention away. A drone has crashed in the distance. We used to call them mourning doves.

Why is there only pink lemonade? I’d be pounding back cups of magmatic orange without regard but I guess Sherwin Williams would rather keep me in a chastity belt. Unbelievable.

Brilliance comes at a price. Mine was Vitamin B9 #folatedeficiency

I will say bless you to people when they cough. And they will thank me for their absolution. May the penitent be delivered from phlegm.

❓❓❓ when did they do this???

Babe I know we’re supposed to be immersed in this tranquil waterfront scene but the blue raspberry yart has been calling for at least the past 20 minutes. We all have to make sacrifices at some point.

Sorry the self-checkout line was long I was busy being an unexpected item in the bagging area

I’m moving in multiples utilizing my shadow clones’ psychic energy to widen your synaptic clefts by orders of magnitude. You cannot grasp the true form of my right hook. You’re writhing in a pain you haven’t felt yet. I flee the scene on my thrifted E-scooter. Don’t fuck with me.

Pulling this out the next time my hb says something stupid