Things your mother in law with dementia says:

Came at him quickly

I mean… you’re posting this and saying his name. So…

Supercut of today’s spa trip for Wrigley

I can just hear Doc Thompson lamenting how his mother-in-law hit the wrong button and launched it into the garage ceiling…

Every time I see one of Dave’s standup clips, I hope I see Springfield, MO on his upcoming tour dates…

You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous of which is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well known is this: ‘Never go ten toes down, when a copypasta is memed!”

Me: doomscrolling twitter TV: “These are my breasts…” Me: say what?

The @Walmart in St Robert, Missouri can suck my fucking balls. If you offer so many slots per hour for curbside pickup, why in the blue fuck, was it almost the end of the last slot of the night to have my order ready? I know, I could have driven home, a 20 minute trip, waited until it was ready, then drive 20 minutes back, and then had no one there to check in with. Oh, and my wife and kids were so excited to get their cold as shit @PapaJohns pizza after sitting for almost an hour and a half waiting on my pickup order to be ready, then wait for fucking ever for the kid to bring it out to the car when I checked in as soon as it was done. Fuck you. Sam Walton would be absolutely ashamed of you, you fucking cock gobbling pricks.

I’m just gonna put this out there: when @KeithMalinak gets out of the hospital, @JeffyJFR is gonna be pissed at the level of one-up-manship Keith went to to out do his heart event #PutThatInYourPipe

You reheat pizza?

Was just tipped $10 by a driver picking up a trailer for helping him get the landing gear rolled up. But is my back throwing fits worth it? Not sure yet…

Playing @connellsmusic as I pray for @KeithMalinak as we wait for God’s hand to move after his stroke.