Geez. You can laugh at someone mispeaking once, but laughing at my name twice? Eyring, YOU'RE FIRED. youtube.com/watch?v=zCQVPuNa… #Eyringlaughs

"Please Bless s.." NOOOO! Eyring, why are you laughing so much. **I** AM THE PROPHET. youtube.com/watch?v=W0rsG9yx… #SayingTSMisfunnytoEyring

In my defense, Eyring and Uchtdorf were looking at their notes during the conference prayer too. youtube.com/watch?v=mFSa8e4h…

Guilt is the spirit of Christ and is ordained of God.

Science happens in parables. When physicists explain quantum mechanics, they use seed parables to overly complicate simple explanations.

Everyone is encouraged to ask questions in #mormonism. Just make sure your answers line up with what the 12 say, because we're never wrong.

The tags on a Newsweek article about us used to be much more related to Mormonism.. newsweek.com/when-saints-go-…

The church is perfect but the people are not. For example, haven't you ever see me be a dick? If not, you haven't spent any time with me.

LDS Church being investigated for trying to kill of SL Tribune, under anti-trust laws. collegetimes.tv/mormon-churc…

No matter where you go in the world, the church is the same. Seriously, a picture of an LDS church looks the same in the US, europe, asia..

Where do we exchange our signs and tokens for money? I'm feeling a little poor today and would like some extra cash.

Jesus was an atheist. He appeared to me last night and told me so. It makes a lot of sense if you think about it.

Jesus is returning tonight because there will be a red moon. He comes whenever there is a red moon, which is every night somewhere.

Nepotism is Gods plan. Whether Adam, Noah, Shem, Abraham, David, or Jesus, they all share the same bloodline. That explains GAs too.

6 billion people who don't go to the LDS church are probably wrong. But 15 million who do can't be wrong. (Well, 4 millionish.)

Its been the long standing policy of the church that reporters not be allowed on temple square for the first conference time ever.

If you have the faith of a mustard seed, and put it inside an atomic bomb, you can remove mountains.

Some works are deep and timeless, like Shakespeare. Someday, the Book of Mormon will be rewritten enough to become deep and timeless.

The way to be with God in every season is to strive to be near Him every week and each day. If you want to ditch god, I know a few tricks..

#SNL Skit: A BYU Professor on black Jeopardy nbc.com/saturday-night-live/…