when you put a finger over your mouth in a *shush* action and they respond, “DO YOU WANT ME TO NOT SAY ANTHING RIGHT NOW?” <<<<<<<<

parameters on impulse is performance.

This question caused some serious arguments at work today: What lyrics did you sing growing up while playing “Stella Ella Hola”?

Sean Connery walked so that Liam Neeson could run.

Some reality show should hire me, I'll give you GREAT television. Please no competition shows, thank you.

i just want a candle that smells like onions and garlic being sautéed in butter

to all my “friends” on tik tok, just know that I can see when you view but don’t like, so yeah, welcome to your tape

legit the saddest part of me taking my phone into the hot tub with me and it breaking is the fact that I lost ALL of my tik tok drafts

the only thing worse than me sitting in a hot tub with my phone in my pocket for 30 minutes and breaking it, is having to tell people that this is the second time I've done THIS EXACT SAME THING

OK but I think I know that I don’t have Covid because I can still taste the difference between all of these white claw flavours

you ever need to poop so badly that you leave the grocery store mid-shop?

cdc now recommends weapons of class 4 and lower be authorized for use during the spread. All other weapons are restricted. Government officials of ranking 10 have been granted immunity from Omicron and shall not be harmed. Commencing at the siren, any and all crime, inclu-

not me singing Grown Woman while pouring myself a 12oz glass of wine at 2:30am

im honestly upset that Inside didn't win tonight because, as a man who also lives alone, didn't leave the house for a year and records himself singing songs all day, I actually related to it

when someone tells you that they've lost over 40 pounds, the wrong answer is "omg what?! no way! I would've never even able to tell!"

“Who has tumbling tricks?”

being a young millennial is having to strategically buy your fancy wine based around whether or not it’s a screw top because you don’t own a wine opener

getting older is so weird. do you ever catch yourself thinking differently than you used to? feeling a type of way or reacting to something and realize- younger me would have never thought like this.