@ElonAltman

Comedy Cellar Comedian. Winner of NY's Got Talent. AXS TV Gotham Comedy Live. Co-host of @billyjoelatoz podcast.

 New York, NY
Joined March 2011
  • Tweets11.4K
  • Following1.3K
  • Followers3.6K
2.8KMedia
“I cannot stress enough” - my brain
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Pokemonsieur
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Elon Altman retweeted
Elon Altman
@ElonAltmanOct 16
If your parent is a lawyer and you become a lawyer, you’re a depo baby.
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If your parent is a lawyer and you become a lawyer, you’re a depo baby.
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“The city so nice they named it twice. Follow me as we explore scenic Twice, Nebraska.”
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Elon Altman retweeted
Elon Altman
@ElonAltmanOct 14
Vincent visits Art of Play:
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Vincent visits Art of Play:
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I’m gonna buy this for Kelly Clarkson
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Why are people blaming Shane Gillis and not the cue card guy who wrote the word?
LateNighter
@latenightercomOct 11
Shane Gillis drops a live F-bomb on SNL
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Some lady pretending to be Kelly Clarkson walked into the store yesterday. She sang Golden in the original key & the high note broke some of our glass display cases so I asked her to leave. Just another day at work!
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People from Queens are called Queenseañeras.
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This is why we Jews famously have no digestive problems.
MisterQuigley33
@MisterQuigley33Oct 8
Switched to Kosher bread a few weeks ago. Used to get mild headaches, gut issues with bread. Completely gone with Kosher bread. The Goyslop is real y'all.
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Elon Altman retweeted
Elon Altman
@ElonAltmanOct 9
BREAKING: In response to the public’s complaints on moral grounds, the Pentagon announced that it will add a 10-second delay to the livestream in case the guy says a curse word during his execution.
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BREAKING: In response to the public’s complaints on moral grounds, the Pentagon announced that it will add a 10-second delay to the livestream in case the guy says a curse word during his execution.
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They used to tape delay World Series games and now they’re livestreaming executions.
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Fall of Saigon Fall of LeBron
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If they want us to see live-streamed executions they should give Starlink access to Iranians.
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Even Iran wouldn’t do this, although only because they block the internet.
The Associated Press
@APOct 8
BREAKING: The Pentagon says it will livestream the firing squad execution of Fort Hood shooter Nidal Malik Hasan. apnews.com/article/fort-hood…

Pentagon says the firing squad execution of Fort Hood shooter Nidal Malik Hasan will be livestreamed

The Pentagon says the firing squad execution of Fort Hood shooter Nidal Malik Hasan will be livestreamed after Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said the execution would be “public.”

apnews.com
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Have to go-norrhea
New York Post
@nypostOct 8
Sexually transmitted diarrhea is on the rise - and it's morphing into a drug-resistant superbug trib.al/J1D5jaQ
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Widow’s Bay is Parks & Recremation
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Knicks in 5 (feet)
Bet105
@bet_105Oct 7
BREAKING🚨 OG Anunoby has seemingly been spotted in dwarf content creator Erika Calabrese’s Instagram DMs
Readers added context they thought people might want to know
The video shows unverified screenshots/collage from @sportbimb0, whose bio states "Everything Posted Is Alleged & Shouldn't Be Taken As Factual" and post notes authenticity has not been independently confirmed; no statements from Anunoby or Calabrese. x.com/sportbimb0/sta… blacksportsonline.com/2026/10/little…
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