Strike when the iron doesn’t have thoughts about how to pay rent this month.

I’m in a huge fight. Which key is right side up?

I don’t know what this says about me, but I couldn’t fall in love with an AI that is always giving compliments.

I should have known they were panic attacks and not heart attacks when a beer was curing my heart attacks.

I never understood why people thought Cho Chang in Harry Potter was a racist name because I used to work at Dairy Queen with a gay Chinese man named Chow Cox.

Nothing is more try-hard than holding in a sneeze

Working late today. My boss thanked me for my hard work, but I’m only staying late cause there’s a hole in the ass of my pants and I’m waiting for everyone in the office to leave.

Posting this as a guy who rewrites the lyrics to songs about how gay he is (I’m not gay)

When I finally get on late nite: Late nite host: “Sorry man, last week the studio was packed. Don’t know what happened.”

This is how my brain works:

Morning dove: *tries new tune* Other morning doves: “Bro play the hits”

I don’t know if anyone can relate, but if a drummer starts playing on the wingnuts I’m outta there.

Ozempic face :(

White Male Privilege

Why don’t we send Boeing through the TSA?

Ghosts are just incells whose unfinished business is having sex. They can’t transcend this mortal world because god doesn’t want nerds in heaven.

What’s that autistic dating show called again? ‘Love Beyond Train Schedules’?

Bookers will be in a room with 80 people, see all of them laugh at one comedian, and be like “i should book this guy. I have a special talent for finding who’s funny”.

During the show, the improv troupe reveled in the large audience that began to fill the room, but little did they know everyone was waiting for the open mic.

Non comedian to a comedian: “me and a bunch of friends are grabbing a drink and shooting the shit, want to join?” Comedian: “ I can’t man, Im too busy. I have to do a podcast with 4 men where we drink beers and complain about our day.”