Duck

I’m closing in on a million streams thanks to @distrokid and I’ve only been with them a year

also my streams are all on spotify, I have no iTunes royalties so 🤷🏼‍♂️

me: I’ll turn my husband’s snore into a song and put it on spotify, nobody will see it but it will make him laugh also me:

my husband’s song of him snoring just reached half a million plays on spotify and he’s taking calls from journalists while walking around the kitchen like he’s lady f***ing gaga

I think when two countries disagree about something important the two leaders should challenge each other to a joust. best of three wins. winner buys the beers

I think there should be a special olympics just for world leaders. I’d watch the shit out of Trump trying to outrun Kim Jong-un in the 100m hurdles and Queen Elizabeth doing her best to jump higher than Angela Merkel

Bank Manager: so you want a loan to start your own Victorian detective themed barber shop? me: yes I’m calling it Sherlock Combs Bank manager: Me: Bank Manager: I’m in

ok which one of you made this?

I’m opening a Victorian Barber shop. In London. On Baker Street. I’m... I’m calling it Sherlock Combs

my husband and I decided we don’t want children. we’ll tell them tonight when they’ve calmed down

so @DavidMLatt now the producer of Sharknado is following me, must want me to drop a mean 🦈 shark-in-a-whirlwind 🌪 type beat for his new project.. amirite? AMIRITE? please god let that be true. I have just the thing already lined up

my husband denied waking me for the past year with his snore so I released it as a song on every platform worldwide. Instead of asking me to take it down he memed the shit out of it and now has over a quarter of a million streams on spotify and laughs himself to sleep every night

I’m starting a campaign. No money. Better than that. I’ve put my husband’s earthquake snore on spotify and want 1 MILLION witnesses to the ungodly phenomenon. this isn’t men vs women. he’s my best friend. this is snorers vs antisnorers it’s at 217,000 now. #DaveDontSnore

that’s not a thing

I just want to stumble across this tweet one day on 9gag or reddit and then my life will be complete. I will be meme

boss: oh just do a quick ten minute presentation about it me: oh cool, you know what else I like more than public speaking? boss: what? me: