Me: I got some good news for you. Patient: what? Me: You and your wife are going to save a ton of money on your vacation this summer. Patient: How? Me: only 1 of you is going

I use Dude Wipes mint chills at work because my butthole needs to know what smoking a menthol cigarette is all about

I accidentally took anxiety meds once instead of my diarrhea medicine. I shit my pants but I was totally cool about it.

I wear Sketchers shoes because I’m too lazy to tie my shoes

*hears song on radio Me “That’s the dumbest fucking song I’ve ever heard.” Two hours later adds said Song to Favorites Playlist.

I absolutely hate it when my boss sends me a work related email during my 8 hours of watching YouTube

I’m crying watching the Brewers get the trophy. I’ve waited a whole lifetime to see my team play in the World Series and now it’s going to happen. I won’t be sleeping for days. #winourway #milwaukeebrewers #brewcrew

Fuck yeah! I got all 20

My tolerance for caffeine is so high that I have to use Monster Energy as a coffee creamer.

Doctor I can’t sleep, please help me. Ok, let’s start with what your day look looks like. I wake up at 7, drink a 64 ounce coffee, pee for an hour straight, spend the next 9 hours drinking Monster Energy non-stop, then before I lay down I drink a small 32 ounce coffee.

Why is “Spider Marv” a choice?

Did I just see W.A.S.P. On Thursday Night Football? Is this 1988? Did someone lace my beer?

Why can't my fat just leave me like all my friends do

I guess my leadership style is more based on Jim Jones of Guyana.

Shit, I meant .09 mile walk.

I did 9 mile walk this morning.

Here’s a tip that will help you get to the end of your workday faster, quit before you go in. Sleep all day.

If anyone needs medicinal porn prescribed to get through this plague, then I’m your doctor.