Colin DiGarbo

Watching Boogie Nights with my headphones so my roommate won't think I'm blaring actual porn

I don't consider COVID officially over until we get back free samples at the grocery store

Just a brief reminder: "I like that wet warm pussy she got." - Genius comedian Dave Chappelle on his wife's vagina

Working in restaurants has made me a snob. I was in a bar today and literally thought to myself, "This playlist is barely curated."

yes my ears are ringing, not cause I'm old, I just walked away from a bomb going off

Ate a meal so rich my pee smells like meat

Christian Bale should've used his Dick Cheney voice for Batman

I just want to make as much money as I hate my job.

all it takes to be a renaissance man these days is to vape while you piss

I'm getting to that level of out-of-shape where regular movement feels like a workout.

I can't tell if my hangovers have gotten worse, or its just my sense of shame has matured.

All Alexa sould ever say is "Aren't you holding a phone?"

Being the last comic to go up in a festival is like being the last soldier killed in a war. But at least in war, you get to stay dead.

Attention Uber drivers: chew gum with your mouth open, and you won't need air freshener.

The crueler the villain, the tinyer his coffee cup

My tax guy's office has a giant $1000 bill framed on its wall. Looks like this year's refund comes in Disney dollars.

I'm so hairy that if I push too hard while pooping my beard grows a quarter inch

Every group of gutter punks I've ever seen looks like the dog's in charge.

My Whitney membership card should just say "bathroom pass"

I'm so old that I just accidentally called my freshman year 'first grade'