I'm not saying fluoride in the water definitely kills brain cells... I'm just saying most of you don't have the surplus to risk it.

I'm not saying Trump did make America great again... But a kid just told me he was a Lakers fan because of Luka not LeBron, so things are getting better 💜💛

Trump: DEI is over. Lakers: Immediately trades for white Superstar.

What about a man's right to choose whether they want to spend time with that woman in the woods... It's called consent, ladies.

I keep seeing posts about women and whether they should be afraid of encountering bears, which makes no sense... I've been to West Hollywood, and the only woman bears are interested in is Lady Gaga.

Dave & Buster's has announced they'll now allow live betting on their arcade games... Yes, I'd like to wager $1,200 that the 37 year old playing Super Street Fighter also owns a FleshLight.

I refuse to ever have sex on Easter... Because that's one egg I never want to find.

Diddy...? I think it's pretty clear that he did.

People are mad about Wendy's proposing "surge" pricing, but we should be paying more for their burger, just look at it... They literally don't cut corners.

Scientists reported that an asteroid the size of 16 washing machines zoomed by Earth yesterday of 44,000 MPH, and I for one do not trust that statement... From anyone who uses home appliances as a metric of measurement.

This year's Super Bowl was the #2 most watched TV event of all time, behind only the Moon landing... But it did take the Moon landings #1 spot for "Best Scripted Event".

They say if you shake it more than 3 times you're just playing with it, and I had to learn the hard way... That saying does not apply to babies. – at San Antonio, TX

First year comedian: "Any advice for a new comic?" Me: "Unfollow your local comedy scene on Facebook." – at San Antonio, TX

Three years ago on January 6th I remember how scared I was for myself and our country, all I could think was: What if the insurrection is really successful... Then how will I get all of my tax money to fund a proxy war in Ukraine? – at San Antonio, TX

With the Epstein flight logs finally being released I want to make one thing very clear... It was just a layover! – at San Antonio, TX

I learned a lot of important life lessons in 2023... Like the more fun someone's glasses are the less fun the person is. – at San Antonio, TX

My New Years Resolution is to figure out WTF "BlueSky" is. JK nobody gives a shit about BlueSky. – at San Antonio, TX

The clerk at this Ross was wearing a Chicago Cubs shirt yesterday and today he's wearing a Yankees one, and that is so embarrassing... That I was in a Ross two days in a row. – at San Antonio, TX

But seriously, why can't we just shoot Earth's garbage into the sun? Plastic bottles, old furniture... All of Christopher Nolan's movies. – at San Antonio, TX