Attempting to switch from @Android to @Apple, but because I can't remember the pin to my iPad from 10, years ago, I'm locked out of my account for 14 days. Guess I'll be going back to Samsung. – at Key West, FL

Why don't wine glasses break like windshields? Surely we have the technology – at Philadelphia, PA

I can't imagine it, but I'd guess it's a terrible feeling, just (apparently) not terrible enough to overcome his fear of upsetting the base. Do you think he feels sad right now? He's probably really sad. Now I'm sad. This is sad. – at Key West, FL

Tap 4011 or type in B-A-N-A-N-A-S. If you need to ask for help with this, please know everyone else in the self checkout lane hopes you die.

People with lots of guns are always drastically underestimating the patience and complacency of the rest of the population. No, Dave, $5/gallon isn't going to be the collapse of society, and I won't regret not stocking up on ammunition.

Most surprising thing I've learned while running a coffee shop: people getting shit on the walls of the bathroom is not as uncommon as we like to think.

When you say, "He is a great fucking dad," It's assumed "fucking" is the adverb, regardless of word order. Agree?

You ever stare blankly into the middle distance at the gym after a tough set, then 30 seconds later realize you've been "staring" at the back side of somebody doing really deep squats?

Things I like about Utah: it's so dry you can leave the bag of chips open on the counter for days, and they don't get stale.

It's funny how he doesn't realize that proudly stating, "I've held the exact same positions for 20 years," makes him - by definition - a conservative.

Definitely going to miss @cheezit more than I miss @ChickfilA

From the outset I've had recurring daydreams of the world after COVID ends. I imagine a place where we're sitting around sharing memories of this pandemic as a "remember when." Recently that feels naive, and I try to acclimate myself to a world where this virus never ends.

Honestly, @ShepMessing1 doing the color commentary for this @PhilaUnion v @NewYorkRedBulls match sounds like a friendly dad whose prior experience with soccer consists entirely of that one year he volunteered to coach his 7yo daughter's intramural team.

I've seen a lot of weird stuff living in Florida, but it still finds ways to surprise me. For instance, shirtless man bench pressing at the gym.

As a United fan, but mostly just as a human being, I wanna publicly extend love and support to the incomparable @MarcusRashford - a man whose contributions go far beyond the pitch. I see the hate that's being spewed - it's disgusting. Keep your head up.

The proliferation of streaming platforms makes you realize just how good an app @netflix is (looking at you @hbomax, @disneyplus)

No matter the grocery store, the cookie and cracker aisle is never the same as the snack aisle, and I'm mad about it.