Tip for technologists with gray-ish temples: When it is desired to keep one's age a mystery to one's coworkers, one should not display prominently a birthday card with said age in giant block letters in the background of one's Zoom calls.

Introductions are always a little awkward at parties, as we’ve been together the better part of two decades. ‘Girlfriend’ feels silly at this point. I’ve long been searching for a better choice. But thanks to the @uscensusbureau, my search is over. “This is Rebecca, she’s my:

Big brother to stranger, “Guess how old I am!” Stranger, “I don’t know! How old are you?” Little sister, “He’s five.” Big brother, annoyed, then with a smirk, “I’m seven.” Little sister, aghast, with the fire of 1000 suns, “HE’S FIVE!!!!!!!”

At the aquarium and my quest to find the perfect insult for my California-based enemies is over.

There should be a TV channel dedicated to showing people being reunited at airports.

I meet a new person. First impression: 🤨 I notice a small tuft of cat hair on their sweater. Revised impression: 😍😍😍

Life hack: Have the weather forecast displayed in degrees Kelvin and pretend that it is your daily salary forecast.

I don’t love the term ‘hero’, but I’m on a @SouthwestAir flight, and as the plane took off, an entire sleeve of Ritz crackers rolled out of a purse under the seat in front of me and I cleanly fielded those buttery biscuits and reunited them with their caretaker.

The WiFi at my parents house is flakey to the point where only one of my or Rebecca’s computers will work at the same time. Our relationship has known no greater test.

But, but, but that's impossible... xitter.cf/abstractionscon/status…

Reminding my twin brother why he got kicked out of the Mac lab in our high school in the 90s...

A coworker described me as “Easy going, but with *some* standards” which is a relief because I’ve always wondered what was going to be inscribed on my gravestone.

A new day dawns. Rebecca: "How do you feel this morning, Dan?" The voice of a pubescent Kermit the Frog: "Better! I think I'll go to work." Rebecca: "You're not going to work, Dan."

I’m thankful for a lot this holiday season, but I’m EXTRA thankful for this little drawer. The bathroom in my parent’s house has no lock, and this drawer has been protecting my privacy since the 1980s. Happy holidays buddy.

Lucifer, trying his best to eat healthy, looked at the waiter and reluctantly sighed, "I'll just have the

Workplace stress reduction pro tip: make your desktop wallpaper the @CelestialTea Sleepytime Tea bear family.

Battling RSI for the first time and my mind created two equally appealing solutions: 1) Buy ergonomic keyboard 2) Never use computer again

Always nice to be in a store that considers the needs of both humans AND vampires.