DaddyOver9000

My wife needs to be a squirter so I can call her “My Little Squirtle” 🐳

Everytime I get the encouragement to go out and eat by myself, by the time I get dressed and about to put on my shoes, I’m like “naw, I’m good. Staying home.”

At least I know I can still pull 10s 😂🤷🏼‍♂️

This is a problem with today’s dating scene.

Drunk Dilley is never a good Dilley.

You a nasty mofo if you don’t wash your hands and hold open the door with the paper towel in a public bathroom.

When you catch two squirtles

It’s so damn humid in Texas that I can keep my ac inside at 80 degrees and still be cold.

Texas dealers suck ass.

I’m horrible at responding to messages. I had 5 week old shit on IG lol.

How I’m tryna be this summer.

🤣🤣🤣

If you are driving, get off your fucking phone.

When your dealer is a girl 🫡

Hopefully everyone gets laid today/tonight! 🫡

😴😴😴

Crazy

I’m in love with a lunch lady! 🎶

😭

Everyone: Ban guns! Texas: COME GET YOUR BRAND NEW AR15 FOR $55!!!