Have you ever tried to gain entrance to the Brown Line by using your apartment key? I have.

The best time to propose to your partner is on April Fool’s Day. You will have a great excuse if they do not say, “Yes.”

Being a teacher is like being a Pokémon Trainer: sometimes students feel stunned, fall asleep, or hurt themselves in their own confusion.

Some people set their clocks ahead so they are never late. I set my clocks behind so I’m constantly afraid of being late. I know how reverse psychology works.

Whenever I stand on the train, I secretly use the vertical handrails as foam rollers for my back.

What a year 2018 has been: I was accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, discovered I was a famous wizard, challenged by my hateful Potions Professor, discovered the Philosopher’s Stone, and prevented Voldemort from using it to gain power. What a year!

If I could go back in time and buy stock in any company, I’d want to purchase stock in the company that manufactures “Exit” and “Stairs” signs.

I really hope the movie “Spy Kids” still holds up.

I just need a new VeggieTales movie. That’s all.

It is 2018, and some drivers still do not use their blinkers! What a time to be alive...

I cannot help but appreciate the simultaneous looks of bravery and shame in a dog’s eyes as it takes a dump.

Today is one of those days I put my deodorant on three times in a row because I couldn’t remember if I put it on the first time.

Never go first at an air-guitar contest.

Allergy Season vs. Construction Season: Whoever wins ... We lose.

The modern day equivalent to the classic Looney Tunes debacle of "Rabbit Season vs. Duck Season" is "Allergy Season vs. Construction Season".

I have never seen a back alley I did not like.

I ate a banana and got a cramp immediately after I finished. Oh, the irony.

“I’m always wrong ... until I’m right” #myautobiography

If your car sounds like a podracer, it may be time to take that car in for a tuneup.

I never seem to say to myself, “I am a great driver.” Although, I do frequently say to other drivers (in my mind), “Learn how to drive!” Do you see the paradox here?