In my 9th grade English class I once laughed so hard I farted and denied it but I want the world to know, yes, it was me.

NYC resident: I’d like to take the subway to work and arrive by 9am Eric Adams: best I can do is a stopover in Istanbul on the way to Chile

Waiting on a nyc subway platform in the summer will be the longest 4 minutes of your life

There’s nothing worse than knowing you could have done anything with your life and ending up in middle management

How did I get trapped in the minivan corner of Lyft? Truly nothing more embarrassing

Pitbull is performance art Sean Paul is art

Will history remember STOMP?

Everyone is pissed about @nytimes Connections w/ emojis but their real April Fools prank was erasing my 233 day streak on April 1 and I will never emotionally recover

Why are there always 10 @Clear machines and one person operating them. Check in at LGA is a shit show. May as well be in general boarding

Hey fellas, is it bi to learn?

Need to know who composed the @figma music????? It’s exceptional!!!

Movies are too long and streaming services are too siloed. Fix it!

A version of this tweet circulates once a year and I think you all just need to stop being babies and let the rip of a salt n vin wash over your taste buds

You have not seen the face of disappointment until you tell your boyfriend that you’re starting a podcast with your best friend

I’m stuck in the minivan corner of Lyft

Do you think elections in Roku City are free and fair?

Roku city is actually what became of the lost colony of Roanoke

I’m tired of this town, I’m moving to Roku city!

Every guy ever

It’s starting

In 2024 James Corden will reemerge with Ozempic face