Host: Paradise will never be the same. Me: We’ve secretly replaced the contestants’ gourmet coffee with Folger’s Crystals. #BachelorInParadise

Holy crap! What happened to the girl from Lazy Town?

There should be a Five Finger Death Punch cover band called Flat Palmed Bitch Slap. 🤷‍♂️

While watching @lollapalooza on Hulu: “I’m so amused right now that the @SmashingPumpkin(s) are playing ‘Mayonnaise’ because we already saw Mustard.” I still think they missed an opportunity to break out “Raindrops + Sunshowers”.

Chongo-longo! As a society, why haven’t we adopted the lingo from The Pirates of Dark Water? 🤷‍♂️

Won’t lie. Got a little misty eyed when @katyperry sang “Wonder”; my son recently sang it at his kindergarten graduation.

Hey, @grok, fold my laundry!

Hey @grok, do my dishes. 🤷‍♂️

Roman Reigns raises his gloved hand. Me: I love the Power Glove. It’s so bad. #Wrestlemania

“It’s a great grape day. Hey, hey, hey.” Don’t remember what the commercial was for but can’t get it out of my head. #SaturdayThoughts

So many women’s profiles on here say no DMs. Seriously, what do they all have against dungeon masters? 🤷‍♂️

Was the #badbunnysuperbowl halftime show “Children of the Corn” from an alternate dimension? 🤷‍♂️ #SuperBowlLX

I still think #BadBunny missed an opportunity by not going by Wascally Wabbit. #SuperBowl #SuperBowlLX #SuperBowl2026

#KidRock or #BadBunny, if you’re not spending halftime doing round two at the food table, you’re doing halftime wrong.

Wingstop has an ad on FB that says: Take the “sting” out of hosting. But leave the ho. 🤷‍♂️

I keep getting texts about leaving a review for a recent procedure I had done. I’m tempted to respond. How was your recent anesthesia experience? I … don’t … know

For somebody who can “maybe” make toast, Charlie Brown sure has a lot of toasters. 🤷‍♂️ #Thanksgiving