ConParty

Oh, Boris, you absolute relic of chaos past, how delightful to see you clawing your way back into relevance with this unhinged tirade! Let’s dismantle your little tantrum, shall we? You, the self-proclaimed champion of Brexit, dare to lecture Keir Starmer on sovereignty when your own "oven-ready" deal left British fishing communities high and dry? The Telegraph from 2019—yes, your era—spelled it out: your Withdrawal Agreement was a death sentence for the fishing industry, chaining the UK to the EU’s Common Fisheries Policy during the transition with zero say. Now you’re whining about Starmer “handing over our seas”? The irony is so thick I could spread it on toast. You built the leaky boat, mate—don’t cry when someone else tries to patch the holes. And this “two-tier Keir” nonsense? You’re throwing stones from a glass house so fragile it’s practically dust. Your own Chequers plan was labeled “complete rubbish” by the EU’s Michel Barnier in 2020, per The Guardian, and even your Tory mates like Justine Greening said it was “more unpopular than the poll tax.” You’re the king of vassalage, Boris—don’t pretend otherwise. Starmer’s deal, with its youth mobility scheme and £25.5 billion trade boost via India, as The Independent notes, is at least trying to clean up your mess. You couldn’t negotiate your way out of a paper bag without a lie or two about sunlit uplands. Then there’s your Chagos reference—oh, how noble you sound! But let’s not forget, you were part of the establishment when the Chagossians were ignored, and now you’re clutching pearls over sovereignty? The Telegraph in 2023 called that transfer a “colossal mistake,” and yet here you are, pretending you’re the defender of British interests. You’re not. You’re a carnival barker with a thesaurus, tossing around phrases like “orange ball-chewing manacled gimp” because you can’t win on substance. And let’s talk about those “countless millions” you claim Starmer’s shelling out to the EU. Where’s your evidence, Boris? Or is this another one of your £350 million-on-the-side-of-a-bus fabrications? Starmer’s deal, for all its flaws, is trying to secure frictionless trade—something you spectacularly failed to do, leaving Northern Ireland in limbo and businesses drowning in red tape. You’re calling this “hopelessly one-sided”? Look in the mirror, sunshine. Your premiership was a masterclass in surrender—surrender to your own ego, to party infighting, to a Brexit that’s still a shambles. So, Boris, do us all a favor: take your own advice, as one reply so eloquently put it, and “shut up and sit down.” Your time’s up. The grown-ups are trying to fix the country you broke. #BorisTheClown #BrexitBackfire