As a teacher, I knocked myself out headbutting ceiling pretending to be a particle, star-jumping off a desk. I've set my arm on fire when lit ethanol trickled down sleeve, from my hand. I've burnt my ear listening if gas was coming out of a bunsen. Please don't give me a gun.

Waiting for the Daily Mail to make a link between Green Party Membership and European gas prices. @ZackPolanski

Hey, @grok, who was the most famous person to visit my profile? It doesn't need to be a mutual, don't tag them, just say who it was.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

If you're teaching A-Level Chemistry rates and talking about making a hotel breakfast, this is the rare-determining step.

For those people that get triggered by apostrophes in kids' menu or parents' evening in the wrong place, this one might send you over the edge.

In Italy and the £3.55 Too Good to Go was quite generous.

Andy Murray should be honoured for his services by displacing Ruby as cockney rhyming slang for going for an Indian meal.

8AM: Me thinking I'm getting brownie points for an early unloading of the dishwasher. 9:30AM: Lots of anguished sighs and clattering of crockery and cutlery, due to imprecise placement.

Made a Lego tribute to my favourite beatle, today. Might take as long as Let It Be to get the other three completed.

Daughter stitched me up on her iPhone with a photo that makes me look like Alan Partridge.

My main thought when I saw the promo poster for Ripley was 'What's Andrew Scott doing in my nan' s house? '

With such a rich seam of literary genius, it's quite hard to pin down your favourite William Shakespeare quote. Here's mine.

Versace revisiting the girls' school shoe of choice in 1993 when I started teaching. All that's missing is the green Kickers label.

Word to the wise. If you work in a school and don't wash your car, prepare to face the consequences