Time for my quarterly @SouthwestAir complaint. Sale that ends at midnight apparently locks the flights at 11:45. To make matters worse the system redeemed my flight vouchers, but didn’t book the flights. Spectacular. But hey, we don’t even get 2 free bags. So that’s cool.

Not that there is any question, but if you want to know how good @StephenKing is at writing. Explosive decompression goes through my mind on every flight I get on, and has, literally, ever since I read the Langoliers 20+ years ago.

Please join me in calling on President Biden to leverage the ocean in the fight against climate change. nwmd.io/s/twitter/ZhM0CzfEHP…

I want to open a restaurant where we only serve cheese curds and gravy on top of crackers. It’s gonna be called “poutine on the ritz.”

Just ran into my daughter’s pediatrician at the bar. You can tell we are both trying to be on better behavior than we would be if the other person wasn’t here.

My new subversive tactic is this: if I ask someone how they’re doing and they just start listing off things they bought, I’m just going to list off groceries I bought in return. Your purchases don’t define you. Tell me why it’s important you bought something instead.

I think the hardest part about being married and having kids is how much more stuff there is. When I was single I moved across the country 3 times with literally a backpack and a suitcase. I now travel with more stuff just to go to the park.

If you’re comfortable with this, I’m going to assume you’re comfortable with slavery too. People deserve better than to effectively be a billionaires servant who can evict them if they get fired from his company. Have we brought back feudalism? bloomberg.com/news/newslette…

You did it @ColonBroom. You’ve figured out the perfect formula. No matter how much weight you need to lose, you can do it in 2 months!

My favorite part about Harry Potter is “don’t do magic in front of muggles.” “How do we get the kids to school? We have them disappear into a wall in front of tons of muggles.”

If there is one thing I’ve learned from @TaikaWaititi it’s that anachronistic music is actually the best thing. Sure some things have sort of used it, but he does it better in literally everything. Why does a pirate show need pirate music? It doesn’t. It needs Fleetwood Mac.

Can we all just respect for a second that @Sethrogen made a Godspeed you! Black Emperor joke in Pineapple Express?

Look, I’m not saying women shouldn’t get credit for all the pain they endure during childbirth. I’m just saying I don’t think men get enough credit for the number of daily nutshots we take from toddlers.

If there is one thing I learned in my brief stint in culinary school it’s this: there is nothing more amazing than caramelized onions, and they take like double the amount of time and onions you think it would take.

So quick question. Did Mr. Roger’s bequeath his neighborhood to Daniel Tiger in his will? Or was there some sort of military coup?

So I’m deep in tiktok right now, evidently there is a Disney cast member equivalent of stolen valor.

Dude, just saw a job offering 7 days of PTO AS A BENEFIT.

Negative role models are more important than positive role models. Too much emphasis on positive role models & we can end up failing to chart our own course. Negative role models allow us to say “nope not that” & chart a course. If you’re toxic, stay there, you’re helping anyway.

You know what they don’t put in the “parenting a toddler handbook?” That your Christmas tree is gonna look janky as hell, because all the ornaments have to be well above halfway up.

What is the best Christmas movie to watch with my daughter, and why is it The Muppet Christmas Carol?