Five books...two series, lots of dead people and much chortling and snort laughs. Six Idiots Witness a Murder (3 books) The Assassins' Social Club (2 books) Available on Amazon and Kindle 😀

My family didn't believe I had the skills to rewire their house, put in new electrical sockets and fix all their lighting issues so I just went ahead and did it ☺️ They were shocked.

Has anyone else got the new feature that shows who read your tweet but didn't 'like' it? It gives your their IP address so you can find their house, visit them and press 'like' on their phone for them 😊 Although you could just as easily shove their phone up their arse too 😁

I don't like having to work all day to pay bills while cats just lay in front of the fire, birds fly around shitting on people's heads and dogs run around fetching sticks. I'd much rather shit on someone's head, smack them with a stick and then sit by the fire😊😂

Does anyone else remember playing a game called 'British bulldog' as kids? It was the one where you all stood about 25 metres apart in two opposing lines, ran towards each other at full and at least 3 kids ended up with some broken bones. Good times! 😊

Have you ever checked those 'accounts that work well with yours'? I just did. Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he's a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

Does anyone else think archery was invented by someone who really wanted to stab somebody but was too lazy to walk all the way over to them to get close enough?

So I have just spent the whole hour I gained from putting the clocks back actually going around my house changing all the clocks. Great. 🙁

Apparently one in every 100 people is a psychopath.😱 (True, as per research). That means that the chances are you will bump into one at some point during your day. 😳 I have met 99 other people today and they are all perfectly normal...😳😁

Just because everyone else is putting their clocks back tonight it doesn't mean you can't put yours back whenever you want to ☺️ I put mine back an hour whenever I feel like it. It's currently 17th century France where I live. 😁

I would like to give a big shout out to those remaining people in the world who haven't got a podcast. Well done to all three of you. ☺️🏆 😁

My local police station has a sign in their window saying "Wanted: murderer". I assumed it was a job advert so I went into apply and they interviewed me immediately. They're now asking me about my previous experience as a murderer and want me to stay overnight. 😁

To the people who read my tweets and never 'like' any of them...I hope the next time you have a microwave dinner there is a small cold bit in the middle. So there. 😁

I've just caught a burglar who was running away with some of my clothes. 😱 Me: I don't know whether to call the police or just beat the crap out of you Burglar: well, if I were in your shoes... Me: you are in my shoes...and my coat.

Does anyone else go to the shop, count out the coins carefully three times and then offer them to the cashier saying 'I think that's probably about right' before waiting anxiously for the disinterested 16 year old to confirm it is so you can breathe normally again? 😳😁

My TV acting career isn't going very well. I've been told I have the perfect face for radio and the perfect voice for silent movies. 😁

Don't you just hate it when you realise you're not watching your streaming services as much so you downgrade them to the "with ads" plans...and then the first show you watch has a 30 second advert right at the beginning and you want to throw something at the TV?!

Before I inflict my next humourous self-help guide on you all, why not give one of these a go before Christmas? Or even buy them for miserable family members who could do with lightening up and having a laugh for once in their lives 😁

There is a lot less quicksand in adult life than I was led to believe there would be when watching TV as a kid. I feel like I'm over-prepared for something that isn't going to be that much of a problem 😐

I have just installed an electric fence. My neighbour was shocked and his wife is dead against it.