Mother— These words evade me. The Draft Council sent word by telegram that I am to be dispatched to Chicago in immediacy! Rest assured that I will carry our family name with honor & distinction. Your pride is my guiding light. I find myself gone with the Wind to Chicago. —CW

Mother— I write with an unsteady hand. As I charged toward the enemy’s final line, victory within sight, my right leg betrayed me and I fell upon the field. The doctors know not yet the extent of the injury but pray it is but a flesh wound. There is still a war to be won. —CW

Mother— The Vikings descend from their 10,000 puddles and march upon Soldier Field, dressed as Norse conquerors with no conquest to their name. They bring tin horns, purple garments & the confidence of men unfamiliar with glory. By sundown, their horns shall fall silent. —CW

Mother— Victory in Carolina! Though I confess, there was little left to plunder. Major Poles raided these lands years ago, departing with their finest provisions, claims upon their future & that which would deliver me unto Chicago. Today, we merely returned for the pelts. —CW

Chicago— Come forth from hibernation! The long wait is over, the drums sound anew & our unit marches upon Carolina! Let every man of the North answer the summons, for whatever last winter took from us, let this autumn return. Panthers make fine pelts for Northern winters. —CW

Lt. Denniston Moore— It aches the bosom that you have been relieved of duty. The last two annums have been filled with joy & despair. They will sing songs of our victories against the Dairy Platoon and our heroics in ballistic maneuvers. You remain written in my story. —CW

Mother— We have lost the battle, but the war will wage as long as I manage this post of Chicago. Defeat may visit us, but it shall not remain. This too shall pass. —CW

Mother— Scouts report from the Navy Patrol that the Dairy Platoon were last seen fleeing to the territory south of the Alamo, known as Cancun. It is in their fortune for they will not find any ice in that region. Alas, they will melt in their own misery. Yours in victory. —CW

Mother— Victory hath been secured! The antidotes distributed to the public for lactase in the water supply proved vital in the waning moments. A civilian secured a dairy-shredding device amidst the height of battle. The knees of the enemy are bent. Good. Better. Best. —CW

Mother— I write by candlelight as the Dairy Platoon stirs. They begin to march and by morrow’s night will press upon our soil. The flame’s flicker throws shadows upon the barracks; the men stand solemn behind the quiet faith of our civilians. Dost thou believe in Monsters? —CW

Mother— Word comes from the Northern Frontier that the cow bosoms have dried from exploitation, leaving Wisconsin dairy farms barren. The taxes will be amassed into our coffers & the Reserve Bank pledges improved muskets and rifles for my sidearm. We have taken the North. —CW

Mother— With bated breathe, our troops arrived at the gates of destiny. The Dairy Platoon was stifled as our unit was armed with lactase pills. As the last of the candlelight flickered, Lt. Moore recovered the aerial ballistic. The Frenchman, LaFleur, bent his knee. Yours. —CW

Mother— Many a men pledge fealty to the Dogwalkers of Cleve's Land by pinning hopes on a prince yet unproven. Onward we march to to hold the north against the Dairy Platoon. Fear not, our apothecaries prepare Lactase pills. I shall take my dayrest under the Sun's light. —CW

Mother— Philly hath fallen! Our ground assault broke the ranks of the Cheesesteak Militia with their muskets scattered like cheap bread in a losing wind. Let them squawk; by dawn my nailpolish shall be Kelly green, that they might recognize the color of their own undoing. —CW

Gen. Johnson— At Sun high, our troops march on the old snows of Valley Forge to defeat the curious brotherly lovers of the tush push. The curse of Benedict Parkey & his ill-struck Double Doink yet chills the hearts of our people. Bird flu cured turkey meats are en route. —CW

Mother— How is the farm? I write to you from the enemy lines of the Steel Curtain. The Pittsburgh Steel Workers' Union has been broken upon the anvil of our advance. Their hammers lie quiet, their forges cold, their proud line bent to our will. We shape the steel now. —CW

Let it be public record— We stand as Conquerors in the North, rightful tax collectors in the region with our banners planted firm in barren tundra. Yet, still the townsfolk chatter of my nail polish. Let them whisper, for the crown rests upon my brow with their knee's bent. —CW

Chicagoans— The barbarians lie broken in retreat, and their captain named ‘Nine’ is unmasked as naught but a 'Zero' in the book of war. Chicago’s banner flies high as the barbarians scatter to the frosted lakes of crackled ice. The only ice in the region floods my veins. —CW

Mother— Victory was a mistress difficult to persuade. We took the Ohio Valley under the cloak of daylight savings at dawn, leaving the Bengals in tatters upon the field with their stripes but ribbons in the mud. There is wind in our sails yet again. —CW

Old @TroyAikman— I struggle to grasp thy discontent amid our triumphs, yet the tone of thy voice was nigh insufferable. Best you tend to the remnants of your old regiment—cowardice Cowboys—whom we humbled but a fortnight past in glory. I shall cheers thee some Lamb meat. —CW

Mother— The whispers are honest, we have prolonged the government shutdown. The men descended by land & sea upon on the shores of the Potomac. Jacob Moody, a newly transacted private proved able under the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air. Yours in Vengeance. —CW