When i joined the local Polish society, I had to take a Pledge of allegiance. They weren't happy with that. #LunchPun

After 10 consecutive days of crashing my bike, I've decided to brake the cycle. #LunchPun

Which of the following people has qualifications in biochemistry? - Farmer A - Farmer B - Farmer C #LunchPun

Whilst working at the paint factory, i worked out that the chances of falling into a tin of bright red are one in vermillion. #LunchPun

This is not a good week. RIP Tim Curry. I replayed red alert 3 just to watch him in the video sequences not long ago. Another legend gone.

RIP to another legend. That sort of charm doesn't come around too often, let alone her music ability. This has caught me off guard, a bit like Robin Williams did.

I got my parking fine refunded when I was granted a wish by the genie from the clamp. #Lunchpun

-"My friend has a thing about blokes driving farm machinery." -"A tractor?" -"Yes, she goes all weak at the knees." #LunchPun

A man who had both left limbs severed in freak accident 3 months ago has just been released from hospital. He's all right now. #LunchPun

-"My stone chippings should have arrived by now" -"Slate?" -"Yes by several hours" #LunchPun

"Why did you do that?" said Eminem's bodyguard as he helped pull random litter out of his client's hair. "Mummy always told me to put the rappers in the bin" #LunchPun

I wish to retract my joke about broken tape measures, but i can't. #LunchPun

Pets are a backwards step. #LunchPun

We've given my mate the nickname "Clay Pot". He gets fired regularly. #LunchPun

Madueke is playing like a human handbrake. Dont know if it's a confidence thing. Needs to back himself. #ENGNOR

My son got banned from the soft play for kicking someone in the balls. #LunchPun

-"Hi, i'd like to apply for the job as a football linesman" -FA: "Do you have any referees?" -"I was hoping you would provide those" #LunchPun

Lorry drivers keep track of how much mexicsn food they have eaten using their Tacometer. #LunchPun

I love the 100m but can't stand marathon runners. If that makes me a raceist, so be it. #LunchPun

A national newspaper have reportedly trained a mole in surveillance techniques. They employ it to dig up dirt on people. #Lunchpun