THE DEFENCE OF MR RUSSIA “Why, Mr Russia, did you abuse Miss Moldova?” “I did not abuse her, Your Honour. She provoked me. She was all alone, and when I approached her, she told me to leave.” “And Miss Georgia? Why did you attack her?” “I didn’t attack her either, she needed my help as she was also alone. She told me to go away. Quite aggressively, actually.” “And Miss Ukraine? Are you denying that you attacked her too?” “Absolutely. We had been together for a very long time. Then she left me and had the audacity to start seeing Mr EU.” “Was she also alone when you first attacked her?” “Your Honour, what exactly are you implying?” “That you seem to prefer your victims alone and defenceless.” “Miss Ukraine told me to stop, yes. She resisted. But after our long relationship, and after the way she was flirting with Mr EU, I had every right to put her in her place.” “And yet you attacked her again.” “I had no choice. She had changed. She stopped returning my calls and kept seeing Mr EU. Obviously, she had learned nothing the first time.” “But this time she was no longer alone, was she?” “No. She had made friends. And when I tried to teach her another lesson, they came to help her.” “To help her against you?” “Yes.” “And what did you do?” “I raped her again.” “Why?” “Because she used to be mine, Your Honour. I cannot have someone who belonged to me running around making her own choices and seeing other people. That is a provocation. I have the right to correct her.” “And Mr EU? You blame him too.” “Of course. He interfered. He encouraged her. He helped her resist me.” “So you threatened him as well?” “I warned him. He had no business interfering in my relationship.” “Your former relationship.” “If you insist.” “So Miss Moldova provoked you. Miss Georgia provoked you. Miss Ukraine provoked you. And Mr EU provoked you by helping Miss Ukraine resist you?” “Exactly.” “Has it ever occurred to you, Mr Russia, that the common denominator might be you?” “No, Your Honour.” “What did you hope to achieve through all of this?” “Respect.” “Respect?” “Yes, Your Honour. Respect.” “Then why do you believe you are standing before this court today?” “Because I was betrayed. Almost all the neighbours ganged up on me. They helped her resist me. They gave her things to defend herself with. Some of them even joined together because they were afraid I might come for them next.” “And why would they think that?” “I have no idea, Your Honour.” “I believe I have heard enough, Mr Russia. The court will now consider your sentence.”